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She bit her tongue. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said... I’m sorry.”
She probably needed to give the proper weight to the moment. He’d said that Anna was the only woman he’d ever been with. It was strange. It made her feel like something between them was a little bit more balanced. Because she’d had more partners. Because she’d had sex more recently. Though it had been shitty sex. So maybe it balanced nothing. And he’d definitely been having sex for more years.
Maybe those were scales she didn’t need to try and work out.
All she knew was that right in this moment, she knew she couldn’t make light of it.
“It’s fine,” he said. “That’s not why. It’s a habit you get into. And like I said, then you have to explain it.”
“And you didn’t want to explain it.”
“No. Because it’s not something I want to think about in the moment.”
It probably would’ve been better for him, she realized, to have sex with a woman who didn’t know. Then maybe later, he would. They would do this, and she would... Get on with things. Go on and have a life. Find a man who wanted to marry her, love her, have kids with her. She’d spent so many years raising someone else’s kids, and she ached for her own. Her own house. Her own life. She’d been a guest in somebody else’s for so long.
A surrogate. Surrogate wife, surrogate mother. This was hers, at least. She knew that. His desire was for her. She couldn’t doubt that at all.
She held the condom box out, ready to end the conversation. He took it from her. He kicked his boots off, shucked his pants off the rest of the way, and she admired his whole body as he stood. He was muscled. Every inch of him. Big and brawny and every bit the fantasy.
And then he scooped her, still clutching the box of condoms, up off the ground and held her against his totally naked body. He carried her to the bedroom. She felt overawed by the whole situation. By being faced with the reality of her fantasy. This was the man that she had wanted for more years than she’d ever wanted anything.
And now he was looking at her like he desired her. Looking at her like he might die if he couldn’t taste her. It made her want to cry.
But she wasn’t going to cry, because that really was going to ruin the moment. Men didn’t want you sniveling all over them when they just wanted to get laid.
This was a big deal for him. A different kind of big deal than it was for her. For him, this was about sex. His person was gone.
That thought stunned her motionless.
His person was gone and all he had left was sex he didn’t want to have as much.
When for her...
This was it. This was everything. It wasn’t just an orgasm, and it wasn’t just pleasure. It wasn’t just him being beautiful.
It was him being the love of her life. He always would be. No matter where she went after this. No matter what she moved on to. If she went to Montana to live with her parents, or ended up bunking with Carly above the bar, it didn’t matter. It would always be him.
He was that defining thing for her. Her first love.
It was desperately sad to think of it that way. The way that they’d missed each other.
But she did her best not to cry. Because he just really deserved to have some awesome sex, and at least in this sense she got to be significant to him. There would be women after her. But she was the first of this phase of his life. He would remember this. That mattered to her.
Even if it would never be as momentous for him, it mattered to her.
“What are you thinking about, Frankie?” he asked, reaching out and taking the condoms from her hand. She hadn’t realized how tightly she’d been clutching them.
“Nothing important.”
“You look a little freaked out.”
“I’m not,” she said. She took a big, fortifying breath. “I have never been so ready for anything in my life. I have overprepared for this.”
“In what way?” he asked. And that was when she decided to just leave it all on the floor. Hadn’t she done that this whole time? She shimmied out of her panties, leaving herself entirely naked before him.
“Do you know many times I’ve put myself to sleep at night fantasizing about this? Do you know how many times I have touched myself thinking of you? It is this deep groove of shame that I’ve worn inside of myself that stopped feeling quite so bad a long time ago because I just accepted that I couldn’t do anything about it. That I couldn’t deny it. I have never wanted anyone the way that I want you. You were quite literally the first sexual fantasy I ever had. Back when I was a virgin.”
“Frankie... You are so beautiful.”
