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“That I couldn’t be there for you like this until now. You were my fantasy man for all that time, but it wasn’t this. We didn’t know each other this way.”
“We couldn’t have,” he said. “It needed to wait for its time.”
“That is true. But I’m still sorry. I’m glad that now I get to know you. The way that you feel. The way that this has been for you. I saw the way that you were with the boys, but I don’t think I realized how little support you had.”
“I had so much support. You don’t think your parents just let you come over here and watch the kids, do you? They were with me. By that point, my grandma was gone, and I didn’t have my own family. Your mom, your dad, they were there for me. Just like your dad was there for me when Anna and I were first married. Just starting out. He’s a good man.”
“Do you feel guilty?”
His head jerked up. “About this?” He scrunched up one side of his face. “I think guilty is the wrong word. I think it’s more that I’m not sure he would understand.”
“And what is that? That he wouldn’t understand?”
“That it’s...sexual, sure, because you’re beautiful, and I want you. But that you matter to me. And of course... I don’t think dads can recognize that middle ground.”
“The one between banging my brains out for fun and marriage?”
He huffed a laugh, one that sounded reluctant. “Yeah. That one. I’m not sure how good I would be about that either. Because the problem is, and I know it’s a little bit sexist, I have sons, and I worry about them getting too serious too soon. In that I think I grew up a little bit too fast. And I don’t just mean losing my wife, I mean having one in the first place. I never went and saw the world on my own terms. I didn’t regret it. I’ve never regretted it. How can I? I love Sky and Carter. I loved Anna. If we hadn’t have gotten married when we did, we would’ve had less time together. Or maybe we wouldn’t have, because she wouldn’t have been on that road that night.”
He sighed before he continued on. “Listen, the road of what-ifs is a pointless one. So I don’t really regret what I did. But I do know that here I am, thirty-eight years old with two kids that are basically grown. And I never went out and did much of anything. You’re right. I didn’t have a huge support system of friends because I got serious about a girl in high school and I didn’t care anymore for my friends. Then I didn’t go to college. Then I was a dad, and then I was a single dad. So I worry about them in that sense. I never really wanted them to fall in love when I did, like I did, even though it was good for me in a lot of ways. I just want them to stay kids.”
“I understand that.”
“But if I had a daughter, I think that would be harder for me even. Because I’m a man, and I know how we look at women sometimes. And I think I would want to protect her from that.”
“You would want to protect her fromthis. From hot sex and naked dinners in bed.”
“I know that it doesn’t fully make sense. But I think the thing is mostly wanting to protect her from the heartbreak you’re afraid might be on the other side of that.”
She let out a breath and did her best to dig deep and find something that she wished were true. It wasn’t strictly true. It wasn’t strictly a lie. It was something she kind of wanted. Something she didn’t think she could want. But she was going to tell it to Walker all the same.
“I’m twenty-four. I’m not that young. But I’m in a little bit of the same position you are. I started a kind of serious life when I was sixteen. Taking care of the boys was more important to me than anything. It has been. And as a side effect taking care of you. It has mattered to me a whole lot. And I think for the both of us, the question of what’s on the other side of this is a big one. I need to be able to go figure that out. So you don’t need to worry about me. My dad doesn’t either. He also doesn’t need to know, about you know.” She smiled. “It’s okay, Walker. I don’t want you to worry about me. You spent your whole life worrying about everybody. Just let me be there for you. You’re being there for me. I would be out on my ass if it weren’t for you. Without orgasms. And I have a place to stay and... Well, I’m appreciative.”
“You’re an amazing woman. I hope whatever’s on the other side of this is the best.”
“It will be. Because my foundation was the best. I have amazing parents. I have you. I have Sky and Carter. It’s a lot of love.”
She felt something prickle in the back of her nose, and she wrinkled it to try and hold it at bay. Because it was the closest she was going to get to telling him that she loved him. It was real. And it was profound.
She wanted him. That was the problem. But she knew that it was impossible. She couldn’t ask that of him. Because he was on the cusp of getting his new life. His different thing. She couldn’t say that she loved him. That she wanted to get married and have kids. He was just now done with that. And it had held up his entire life.
So instead she kissed him.
And when he was inside of her, she had to bite her tongue to keep theI love youfrom escaping. She would find the strength. She would. Because she loved him, and she would go on carrying that love. Like Walker had done for Anna. He had been strong enough to do that for the woman he loved.
And she would be strong enough to do it for him.
One thing she would not do was cause that man more pain and regret.
She loved him too much for that.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
EVERYTHINGWITHFRANKIEwas great. Walker felt like he was living a different life. A different experience than he ever had before. It was passionate and frantic, because the feeling that it might end at any moment hung over them. It changed everything with a little bit of sadness. But sadness was something he understood.
And the desperation was something that he craved.
She was just so beautiful. So sweet.
