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She thought of Tabitha the nurse. Now, this was a somber choice. It was the mother of somber choices, by which you could take care of all the smaller somber choices at once.
Tabitha would be disappointed in her, and strangely, it was Nurse Tabitha’s disapprobation that got to her more than her father’s or Carmen’s or Lena’s or Eric’s.
I wouldn’t do that to you, she thought, as she had thought before.
The morning sun was burning a hole in the top of her head. So much for sun; why didn’t it ever rain here? For the first time in her life she wished for a crashing, brawling East Coast–style thunderstorm.
She opened her pack and took out the envelope Tibby had left for her. She wasn’t supposed to open it for another two weeks, but that was bullshit. Tibby didn’t get to decide anything anymore. If she’d wanted the rights of friendship, she should have stuck around for them. Bridget considered tossing it in the water unread, but she couldn’t make herself do it.
She tore it open. Inside was a letter and another sealed envelope marked with another later date. She unfolded the letter.
Dearest Honey Bee,
I’m trying to picture you reading this. Somewhere in the sunshine, at least a week or two before the date I wrote on the envelope.
I know you feel abandoned by me, and I understand. You’ve probably gotten to the point of feeling mad at me, and if you haven’t, you will. Or you ought to. You trusted me to be around and I’m not. And God, I would give anything if I could be. Please believe that. The thought of missing out on the later life of my magnificent friend Bee is almost more than I can take. Everything feels like more than I can take right now.
Of all of us, I suspect this is hardest on you, and I wish I could cushion it. I wish I could make you feel as strong and as loved as you are. You’ll find your way, because of that, and because you have the thing that so often wavered in me. You have faith. Not in God necessarily, but in the thing with feathers. You are brightness, Bee. You are hope. No matter how far down you get, you’ll always have it. That’s what makes you different from your mother and, I fear, different from me.
I picture your spirit as a yellow, fluttering, buzzing, flying thing, and no matter how down you feel, it is in there. It is who you are.
Bridget’s anger evaporated and the sadness came back. The anger was easier. She owned and controlled it, whereas the sadness owned her.
It felt like a torrent so strong it could sweep her into the ocean, and not because she chose to go, but because she was powerless to resist it. Maybe that was what had happened to Tibby. Maybe she couldn’t help it.
“Why do you keep making that face?” Effie asked, sitting cross-legged on Lena’s bed. It was not yet four o’clock and Lena was running out of deflecting conversation topics.
“Why do you talk so loud?” Lena wondered if the close walls of her apartment felt as jarred and uncomfortable as she did being disrupted after so many weeks of solitary quiet.
“I’m not talking loud. I’m just talking.”
Lena didn’t argue. Effie thrived on arguments. Better to be flat boring than argue.
Effie’s phone buzzed every few minutes, but she seemed to have made a commitment not to answer it. She glanced at it constantly, though. “How’s that guy?”
Lena took a few extra seconds to answer. Words were like oxygen to Effie, and if Lena cut them off maybe she’d go home a little sooner. “What guy?”
“The guy who looks like the pot-smoking Scooby-Doo character.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The guy with the scraggly beard. The guy who makes sandwiches.”
Lena preferred to keep pretending she didn’t know, but the suspense could come to seem interesting if she wasn’t careful. “You mean Drew,” she said flatly.
“Yes. Exactly. Drew. What happened to him?”
“Nothing happened. He still works at the sandwich place. He’s still putting together work for a show.”
Effie shook her head impatiently. “Do you still go out with him?”
Lena sighed boringly. She pulled the laundry basket over and started folding. “I see him now and then.”
The truth was she’d seen him once since she’d gotten back, and that was to tell him she needed to take a break for a while, as though the relationship were strenuous in some way. It was the classic it’s-not-you-it’s-me conversation, and he had acceded without a fight.
“Do you hook up?”
No fireworks. No arguing. Lena shrugged.
Effie punched a couple of buttons on her phone and put it down again. “Honestly, I’m not sure which answer I’m hoping for. I hate for you to waste your time on such a loser, but it would be comforting to think you were actually having contact with another human being. Mom and Dad would be comforted by that, I know. Even Dad. I’m not kidding.”
No fireworks. Lena clamped her teeth together. Effie was the human equivalent of gasoline sprayed all over the kitchen. It was hard to avoid not only fireworks but complete conflagration.
“You don’t need to worry, Ef. I’m fine. I have human contact. You all should calm down,” she said calmly, boringly. “I teach two afternoons, one morning, and one evening a week. I spend time in the studio. I see other instructors and professors all the time.” Effie looked bored, so she went on. “I go to a demo or a lecture pretty much every week. I helped Susan, um, Murphy do this PowerPoint slide show.…” Lena was running out of material and she wished she had more. Effie’s eyes had drifted to her phone but she hadn’t picked it up yet. “I have lots of human contact.”
“Do you have any friends?”
It was so like Effie to cut her to the quick, to push aside her feeble maneuverings, to destroy her complacency, however lame. Lena swallowed and hoped her eyes didn’t show anything. “Sure.”
“I don’t mean old friends, but friends here. That you see.”
This was why Lena wished she had checked her messages and somehow derailed this visit. She wished her sister would go home. She wished she had never come.
“Sure,” Lena said again, bending down to pick up the laundry basket. She carried it over to her bureau and set it down again. Slowly, laboriously, sock by sock, she went about putting her clothes away.
When she’d organized her face again, she turned to Effie. She cleared her throat. It took a lot for her to voluntarily bring up the subject of Effie’s job at OK! magazine, because Effie’s tales of low-ranking celebrity and the absurdly vain girls she worked with made Lena want to pull her own hair out. And furthermore, Effie would find it stimulating.
But here, under two and a half hours into Effie’s visit, Lena had come to that. She sighed again and sat down on the floor. “So how’s work?”
We are masters of the unsaid words,
but
slaves of those we let slip out.
—Winston Churchill
Lena submitted to dinner at a restaurant. She picked a place that was bustling, cramped, and loud, the kind of place that didn’t take reservations, so as the evening wore on you found yourself sitting and eating among standing-up people who were hungry and wanted your table. She knew it would be hard on her nerves, but she also knew it could potentially spare her the devastation of Effie’s laser beams and gasoline fires.
First Effie ordered a martini and smoked salmon and then a shell steak and two glasses of expensive red wine. She was at least as poor as Lena, but she dressed a lot better and she had a real knack for taking advantage of free food. Lena wondered if her parents knew what kind of meal they were underwriting.
Lena had one glass of red wine, and halfway through it she felt red-faced and slightly woozy. She was beginning to find the Christmas decorations infinitely depressing. When had she last had a drink? She thought back to Kostos and the couch in her grandparents’ house. She put her hand on her red cheek.
The lights got dimmer and the music got slower. It was Ella Fitzgerald singing Christmas carols. Effie ordered a molten chocolate ca
ke with vanilla ice cream for them to share.
“I’m happy to be with you, Len. You need your family at times like this.”
Lena looked around the room. Effie was getting sappy and serious just when the restaurant was clearing out. Just when Lena had imagined and hoped for noisy hordes demanding their table, the place had turned perfectly intimate.
“Like with Valia, you know. You were a big help to me. I really took her for granted. I really didn’t know how much she meant to me, how much she taught me.” Effie closed her eyes for several dramatic seconds and heaved a sigh. If Effie was talking about Valia, Lena knew that the dangerous subjects and God-knew-what-else couldn’t be too far behind.
