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“I think it’s just to make kidnapping illegal.”
Jameson.
“I did, Mom. I took her. I put her in my car and brought her here. She tried to get away from me.”
Jamie.
“Don’t.”
You can’t make me stop. I’m your mother.
“But it hurts.”
It would hurt less if you were used to it.
“I can’t let them call me that.”
Why not? They learned it from me.
“Because I’m not the person I was when you died.”
You are great. It’s in your name, Jameson August Hill.
“Dad’s name is in mine, too, and I didn’t live up to him, either.”
You are not dead.
The waves roll onto the shore and I sit down in the sand. It’s roughly the same spot I sat with Lily, but all I have now is the night breeze and my dead mother’s voice and sobs that keep catching on things in my chest.
“Yeah, butyouare, and I can’t go back to how it was before. I’ll never be great. And don’t tell me that shit about how it could also meanexalted. I’m not exalted. I’m a fuck-up, and no matter how old I get—”
Jamie, things don’t get easier because you get older.
“I know.” My voice mangles the words, but I think she’ll understand. “I know that. The older I get, the longer you’ve been dead. I’ve spent more than half my life missing you now, and it never gets better. I’ll never get any of you back.”
You can have the nickname I gave you. You can let your brothers and sister say it.
“I’ll lose my goddamn mind if they do that.”
You could practice with Lily.
“No. I’m leaving her.”
Leaving her?
“I’m leaving her. I have to.” It’s a weird time to get full clarity, sitting on the sand, talking to my mom. “This person I’ve been with her isn’t who I am. Or—fuck. It’s who I am, but it’s not who I should be. It’s not who I want to be.”
Who do you want to be?
“I want someone to stop me.” All this crying is making a fool of me. I’m embarrassed. Ashamed. I hate that Lily’s not here, and what I’ve done is awful, and in all my life, I’ve never made anything better for anyone. “I want someone to take all this out of my head so I can stop running. I need somebody to make me stop, because I can’t.”
Jamie—
“Please. You’re killing me.”
Jameson, you don’t have to carry those things with you.
“Maybe if I had anything else, I wouldn’t be so attached to the worst things.”
