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No, no—losing her would make the world bleak and awful. She has a family that needs her. It’s always been better for me to be the one. Instead of my mom. Instead of Ollie. Instead of her.
Fuck. I love her so much. That part hasn’t stopped at all. It’s maybe even bigger, this feeling like a butterfly-flutter pulsing against my chest.
“Which one’s yours?”
My mom ignores the awkward way I wipe at my eyes and points. “That one.”
Nestled at the edge of the trees, overlooking both the valley and the field, is a cottage. It’s like the one we talked about. The one she dreamed of. It’s close enough to the—village? Town?—that she’s not alone, and close to the running water of the river, but it has space around it.
“You always wanted a yard.” The words don’t do justice to the wild joy I feel for her, so strong it’s almost painful. Another thump in my chest, this time with pressure.
“I have ahugeyard.” She sounds slightly awed, like she’s discovering it for the first time, but of course she’s been here all along.
“Tell me how it’s been.” Impatience comes on suddenly, though I know, Iknow,there’s no rush. In a place without heartbeats, how could there be? “Tell me you’ve been okay. You’ve been happy. Please say you’ve been happy.”
“I missed you.” My mom squeezes me. “So much, Hercules. But I’ve been fine. I’ve been comfortable.”
“Not happy?”
“Happy, too. It’s different, when you’ve left your son.”
“That wasn’t your choice. You didn’t mean to do it.”
“I should’ve found another way to survive. I knew the risks I was taking. I’m sorry I only understood that when it was too late.”
“Don’t ever—” I don’t need air, but I want more of it. A tight grief wraps around my rib cage. “Don’t ever apologize to me. I should’ve been there for you. I should have stopped him. I should’ve taken your place.”
“Oh, Hercules.” My mom turns to face me and wraps both arms around my neck, pulling me into a hug that reminds me of every hug she gave me before she died. It doesn’t matter that I’m much taller now. “That’s not how it works.”
“Yes, it does. I thought it didn’t for a long time, but it does. I traded for Daisy.”
“Daisy.” Her name sounds even sweeter when my mother tests it out. “You love her.”
“Yeah.” My voice breaks, which I’m not proud of, but who cares? It’s me and my mom in a field by the cottage. There’s nobody else to hear. “I didn’t think much past the part where I’d give my life for her. I didn’t think thatifI could ever die, I’d…you know. I’d keep going afterward.”
“Came as a shock to me, too.”
“Mom, this whole thing is so fucking weird.”
“Jesus, Iknow.”
I laugh into her hair, a huge belly laugh, and she laughs, too. When else was I supposed to deeply consider that Daisy’s nightmares might be real and connected to a physical place? Or is this a spiritual one? What kind of wonder-of-the-universe bullshit is this?
When we’ve both recovered from the laughing, I spend a minute breathing. A drop of water lands on me, but when I look up, the sky is as brilliantly clear as before. A dragonfly sails past, drawing my attention back down. Now that I can see this place clearly, I can also hear it. Birds sing in the forest. I bet if we started walking in that direction, the trees would be closer than they appear.
I get a little distance so I can look at my mom.Reallylook at her.
“You finally got nice shampoo.”
Another laugh. “I did.”
“And the dress?” She’s wearing a pale green dress with a white…overdress? It’s not an apron. It’s like nothing she ever wore when she was alive.
“I felt like wearing it.” Mom raises her eyebrows. “It has pockets.”
She sticks her hands into them and wriggles her fingers to prove it.
“What do you carry around with you?”
