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There’s a reverence to it that makes me uncomfortable. It’s not that he’s touching me. It’s simply that I’m not normally a receiver of kindness and comfort. I’m the one who always needs to be strong. I’m the one who’s depended on, not the other way around. I don’t know how to be that person, and I sure as hell don’t want to get used to something that will be taken away eventually.
I clear my throat and pick Sutton up from his chest, taking a step back.
He swings his feet over the edge of the bed, wordlessly standing and walking to the bathroom.
Sutton fusses a little when I bend to place her in the crib, but the second I pull the small travel blanket over her back, she calms. Honestly, the kids have been doing great during this trip. I fully expected bigger meltdowns and more attitude, but I’m glad Vincent hasn’t pressed our luck by making us travel incredibly long hours the last two days.
On the other hand, if he had, we’d be in New Mexico already and I wouldn’t be climbing into the second bed, wondering just how the damn night is going to go after I ran my mouth about his grip on my wrists.
If there was a way to curb my attraction to the man, I’d do it in a second. It will do nothing but complicate things and get in the way. His being in Sutton’s life isn’t an invite for him to be in mine in any other form than being her dad. Any notions I might have of being one happy family with three kids needs to be shut down. Even allowing myself to fantasize about something like that will only lead to disappointment.
Knowing I shouldn’t have any expectations and keeping them at bay are two very different things. I realize just how much I can’t control my emotions when Vincent gets out of the bathroom and does nothing but walk to the other side of the bed, pull the sheets back, and climbs inside.
He doesn’t reach for me. Hell, he doesn’t even bump into me on accident like he did last night. It means he’s being extra cautious about not touching me. It’s his answer to a question I didn’t even ask, and for some reason, it stings when it shouldn’t.
Although my eyes are closed, I can’t turn off my brain. I do my best to stay still, knowing my discomfort is more internal than the actual quality of the bed we’re on. It feels like hours go by, and I still can’t quiet my head enough to fall asleep. It’s going to make for a very miserable day tomorrow.
“I can practically smell your brain working.”
His voice places him closer to me than I realized he was, and it startles me.
“I can’t sleep,” I whisper, not wanting to wake the kids.
“You’re safe,” he promises. “I’m going to be here no matter what.”
I nod, unsure if he can sense the movement in the darkness.
I want to open my mouth and blurt all my fears, confess all my mistakes. I want to beg forgiveness. I want to bitch about all the things in life that aren’t fair.
Those wants make me realize just how long it’s been since I’ve had someone I could vent to, an adult who might be able to chime in with advice or, at minimum, is willing to complain about the stuff going on in their lives. Janet was that person for me. Even though it had been a year before her death that I was given the opportunity for that, I always thought we’d have a chance to make up. I didn’t see my entire life being spent alone. I never imagined there was a chance I’d lose my sister.
“Can I hold you?”
A tear streaks down my cheek, the soft pillowcase under my head catching it.
“Please,” I say, revealing more than I probably should about my need for him.
The smart thing to do would be to turn him down. My head has already half claimed this man just by our connection through Sutton. It’s a very dangerous position to put myself in, but I just need some connection.
When he scoots closer, his warm arm wrapping around my middle, I try to convince myself that it’s just the physical comfort that I need. It has nothing to do with him specifically. He could literally be anyone and it would feel the same.
“Quiet your mind,” he says, his words shooting the warmth of his breath over my neck and shoulder.
“I’m trying,” I promise, but then he presses his lips against the nape of my neck, and sleep is the absolute last thing on my mind.
Chapter 21
Stormy
I’m both relieved and annoyed to wake up and see Mila walking around the hotel room. I know if she were still in bed with me, I wouldn’t be capable of keeping my hips from pressing forward against her back. I was able to maintain a few inches of distance last night, but my brain isn’t fully online first thing in the morning, and my morning erection usually controls a little more of my body than I like to admit.
Morning sex has always been a favorite of mine. It’s always been a difficult choice of mine, whether I urge a woman out of my space before sleep or keep her there. For me, there’s just something about that time right after waking up when you’re still half asleep and just giving into what your body is demanding. For the woman, it’s an open door for them to want more, to think that you’re willing to give them more than what you promised the night before, which has always been a great night of sex and no expectations. There’s something about waking up with women that makes them think a man has changed his mind. So as much as I like morning sex, I don’t get it very often. Not that I’d get it this morning considering the three kids in the room with us.
I feel like I missed out on that part with her the night we spent together because she left the room before we fell asleep together. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it again. Hell, is that even a line I want to cross?
I can easily say she’s hot as hell. Physically, I’m incredibly attracted to her, and that attraction hasn’t declined in the time we’ve spent together. It’s honestly possible that it’s grown while watching her tend to the kids.
“Do they have the same kind of waffles we ate yesterday?” Jace asked, his voice loud in the room.
