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The air in my lungs seeped out like a popped balloon. There was no excuse for me to be so relieved, but I was. “Good” was all I could manage to say.
“Why does it matter?”
I shrugged as if he could see me. “Because I want you first. And I’m the best. You deserve that your first time.” And while I didn’t have it in me to admit it, maybe there was a part of me that wanted Patrick to be my first time with a guy, too. Handjobs and BJs were one thing, and yeah, like I said, I’d done that with guys, but I hadn’t actually fucked one before…and I wanted to share that with Patrick.
“And people think I’m a cocky bastard,” he said, not knowing all the turmoil that went on inside of my head.
I smiled. “I keep it hidden better than you do.” Maybe because I’d never been like this about anyone. I was competitive and confident, but Patrick made everything about me amplified. It made sense that my desire for him would be more than it was for anyone else, too.
“I don’t try.”
“Because you want to push people away, and I don’t,” I said, not willing to hold back on the truth. Patrick couldn’t allow himself to get close to anyone. I hadn’t been lying all those months ago when I said he was locked up tighter than a secret, and there was nothing I wanted more than to unravel him. “No comment?” I asked when he didn’t respond.
“I don’t answer to you.”
Somehow, I knew I wasn’t getting any more out of him than that, so I asked, “What are your thoughts on Atwood?”
“I think you’re a lucky motherfucker, and he makes your team a whole hell of a lot stronger, so basically, I hate him.”
I laughed, then leaned back on the couch, putting my feet on the coffee table. “He’s bi, too.”
“Yeah, I don’t live under a rock, so I heard the news.”
“Snippy tonight, aren’t you?”
“I’m snippy every day.”
Again, I grinned because he really fucking was. “Didn’t you go to college with him?”
“For a year. I didn’t know back then, though.”
“What about you? Did you know about you?” He was quiet for a moment, so I added, “Oh, I forgot. I turned you bi. You were so charmed by me you couldn’t help but start jonesing for cock.”
“Fuck you, Tucker,” he growled out when I started laughing. His sigh afterward just made me laugh more. “I’m hanging up now.”
“No. Don’t,” I rushed out, not ready to end the call. “Do you think you’ll ever come out…as whatever label you are?”
“I dunno. I haven’t given it a lot of thought. I’ve only ever been interested in one other… You know what? Never mind.”
“Aww, hell no. You’re not getting off that easy.”
“I’m just saying you’re not the only guy I’ve ever been interested in, you cocky ass.”
“I’m waiting for deets,” I said, grinning to myself as I imagined him scowling. He was gonna cave, though, I knew it.
Whitt sighed again like he wanted it to be perfectly clear how annoyed he was at this line of questioning. It was actually kinda cute. “It wasn’t some big thing at the time. In fact, I didn’t even really get it at the time. It was a guy I used to go to high school with. We played football together and were close, but we never did anything. I just had this…this feeling, and it was different than how I felt about my other guy friends, and even different than how I felt about my girlfriend at that time, but I didn’t really know how to categorize it until later. Later meaning…kinda recently.”
“You mean recently as in after me?”
“Maybe, I don’t know, I just kind of put it all out of my head once we left for college.”
“You ever talk to him again?”
“Calls and texts dropped off once college started. You know how it is, people drift. I’ve never spoken to him again. He came out at some point, and I think he’s married now, maybe even has a family. Do you think you’ll ever come out?” he countered, his attempt to turn the conversation back to me obvious, though I wasn’t gonna call him out on it this time. That he’d even shared all of that in the first place was more than I’d expected, even if I’d pestered him.
“I’d come out now if I needed to. I’m not closeted. I’ve just never had a reason to tell most people my business.”
“I don’t give a shit what people think” was how Patrick answered, and I believed that about him. We had that in common.
