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During our classes,the social workers spoke of a honeymoon phase. That everything would be perfect, making us overconfident, and how when we least expected it, the other shoe would drop.
“Breakfast is ready. Come get it while it’s hot,” I call throughout the loft. The kids have been spending a lot of time in their rooms. The emergency placement had been traumatic, and we see them breaking down, little by little, each day. Ash is in the studio, working on a new collection for his next show, in three months.
“Elaina Carrol, breakfast,” Devin calls out near her bedroom door.
“No, not gonna eat,” she screams loud enough for me to hear her clearly.
“Lainey,” he calls again, and his voice is elevated. “Elaina, I’m not going to put up with you being disrespectful. Do you hear me?”
I look back to the bedrooms, but I don’t have a direct line of sight. Ashton does, and he turns his whole body to the commotion behind him on the lower level.
“Devin, stop. Leave her alone. You’re going to mess this all up.” Collin’s voice comes through the loft as though he’s standing next to me. Ashton pushes from his art desk and takes the steps that lead to the back part of our place. I unplug the griddle, walking toward the bathroom, turning toward the noise. Collin’s voice grows frantic, and by the time I get back to everyone, Lainey has her door opened, and she’s crying.
Ashton walks toward Lainey, leading her to the gaming area that was once our open bedroom, and they sit on the couch. I lower myself down on the floor at Collin’s eye level, looking up at Devin.
His eyes knit together, and he opens his mouth to speak, “I was just...” There’s an uncertain tone as Devin tries to find the right words. For several years, he’s the one who has taken care of his siblings.
“It’s okay, Dev. Can you give me a second to talk to your brother?”
He shrugs his shoulders, turning from me and slamming the door behind him. Okay, so he’s just not mad, he’s pissed off.
“Collin, buddy, come here.” I sit in front of the door to our bedroom, and he slides down the wall next to me. “What’s going on? Your brother has been more than your brother for a long time. He was trying to help so we could eat. What gives?”
Tears stream down his face. “We’ll mess up, Noah. And when we do, you’ll send us back. We’ll have to be separated, and I won’t see Dev or Lainey again.”
I knew their time apart, though brief, was painful, but this is next-level heartbreaking. “Collin. Oh, buddy. Do you think you have to be perfect for us? You’re entitled to have your opinions and bad days, bud. We want you to be you. We want you with us because we love you. If Lainey disobeys us or your brother yells at you, we’re not sending anyone away.”
“Really? You’ll love us even when we’re bad?”
Oh, fuck, this is awful to watch, him hiding in himself, and shaking in fear.
“I have a confession to make, but it’s our little secret. Got it?” I ask.
“Um, okay,” he answers apprehensively.
“Do you think I love Ash?” I ask.
“You guys are perfect for each other.”
I begin to chuckle. “We’re not perfect, not even close. But we do love each other very much. What we have is love and respect for the other. We fight, we even say means things sometimes. We’re human, but at the end of the day, I’m never sending him away because even when we have our hard days, it’s better than not having him at all.”
He’s processing my words, looking up at the ceiling. “And to answer your question, Collin, I’ll love you even when you’re bad, make a mistake, or are mad at Ash or I. It’s called unconditional love, because we don’t expect anything from you except for you to be yourself, bud.”
His arms wrap around me, or as much of me as his body will allow. “I love you, Noah. I’m so sorry I yelled and got everyone in trouble.”
I pull back, but move my eyes to his. “Families fight, buddy. It’s what happens.”
“We’re a family?” he asks.
“Yeah, of course we are.”
And he hugs me again, even tighter.
* * *
Ashand I haven’t had a chance to talk openly about what happened. Lainey was her bubbly self during breakfast. Collin was still affected by the conflict, but by the end of our meal, he was joking and cutting up with Ash.
Devin, on the other hand, had been quiet, barely making eye contact with any of us.
