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But I deserve it. Deserve it for leading Charlie on. For putting my brother and my father and my heart through hell.
“Maybe you’re right, Max. Maybe I don’t deserve love.” I screw my eyes shut, a sob escaping my mouth. My tears keep coming, a steady stream of pain. “I don’t deserve anything. Or anyone. Because you want me to live my life like I’m in a cage.”
Max inhales, sharp. “That’s not what I—”
“Fuck you, Max.”
I hang up. My heart pounds so hard it hurts.
Numb, I watch a flock of birds sail across the sky.
Free.
They keep going and going and going.
They keep going.
If a heart stops beating, did it ever exist?
If I fall in love, does it even matter?
If everyone says no, why do I only hear yes?
I inhale a breath.
Then I turn off my phone, squeeze my eyes shut, and scream.
I need to feel alive. One last explosion of life that settles your soul. One last hurrah before I tell Charlie the truth.
I park my car in Charlie’s driveway and walk across the gravel drive that leads to the barn. Though it fights with the clouds, the bright sunlight above fills me with energy, with electricity. Max screaming at me was like a foreign shadow settling in my heart. I don’t know how to process it. I’m angry and upset and I don’t like myself.
I want my sunflower back. I want my sun.
I need calm. I need to ride.
Ford, replacing a saddle in the tack room, blinks as I storm into the barn.
Charlie must have told him what happened this morning because he straightens up and says, “You’re supposed to be resting.” His light brown eyes scour my face, concern in his typically easy-going expression.
I know what he sees. Tears. Rage. Recklessness.
“Fuck rest,” I say breathlessly.
Ford stares, reaching for the radio on his hip. “Ruby ...”
I ignore him. “Leave me alone, Ford.”
After Max, I’m not in the mood to be told what to do.
I go to Arrow’s stall and let him out. He comes to me easily, knowing me by now. I see Ford disappear as I saddle up Arrow the western way. My mind goes over the instructions Charlie taught me. Pad first, next the saddle, secure the straps, then bridle.
There’s a tightness in my chest. My heart pumps out a warning for me to slow down.
Never.
I have too much to lose.
My home. My ranch. My cowboy.
