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And so can they.
Max lets out a long-suffering sigh. I close my eyes and rest my forehead against the glass.
I can’t win. Either way, I can’t win. I hurt them when I’m there, and I hurt them when I’m gone.
A shadow enters his voice. “I worry.”
My eyes pop open, and I rush to reassure him. “Don’t. I have pepper spray. And I haven’t had a flutter since January, you know that. I’m taking all my medication, and I have weekly Zooms with my doctor. See? I’m on the straight and narrow.” I gape as a gorgeous black Cadillac passes through the parking lot. “I do not plan to go hog wild. I plan to live, Max.”
And damn the consequences.
“What if you’re alone and something happens?”
“I’ll find a hot cowboy to give me mouth-to-mouth.”
“Hardy har har.”
I can see Max’s sullen scowl over the phone. He worries, but he shouldn’t. By now, I know the signals my body sends me when it’s close to shutting down. I sweat more than humanly possible. Rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath accompany the pounding sensation in the neck and chest. To ensure I don’t keel over, I have to pay attention to small bodily rules. Light on alcohol, light on caffeine, light on exercise.
Extreme stress, exhaustion, exercise—best-case scenario, I faint.
Worst-case scenario, my heart stops.
“What’re you doing for work?”
“Waitressing.”
“Yeah, well, make sure you turn it down a notch so your heart doesn’t explode.”
I roll my eyes. Death doesn’t scare me like it does my father and my brother. Being angry at my heart and condition never helped me in life.
Since my diagnosis, I’ve been told I can’t do this, or I can’t do that. No riding bikes with the neighborhood kids. I had to give up the dance class I loved so much. All because my dad and brother were worried about thewhat-ifs. It didn’t matter if they didn’t know whether it would affect me. They just assumed it would, and for the betterment of my health, sheltered me. I spent my life not knowing what I could do. Not knowing who I am.
Now it’s my destiny. My choice. Mywhat-ifs.
In fact, I would rather rip my life apart than live in fear that someone—or something—will take it from me.
Just like I have rules for my heart, I have rules for my new life. A to-do list scrawled in my journal that I’m continually adding to. While Max rambles all the negatives about my trip, I write each happy thing I plan to accomplish on my cross-country road trip in the dust on the glass side of the phone booth.
Ruby Bloom’s To-Do List (so do it!):
1. Get a tattoo.
2. Have sex. Good sex.
3. Stay up all night and see the sunrise.
4. See a California sunset.
5. Swim in the Pacific.
Say yes.
Say yes to everything, because for so long others have said no.
Except regarding love.
I am temporary. I don’t get to let anyone love me. I’ve seen where it got my father and mother.
