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And I don’t want to give it up.
“There’s a study.” Max’s strained voice has me freezing and my sunny mood comes crashing down like a crumbling wall. “At Stanford University. For SVT. It’s new, but it could be something good, Rubes.”
I know all about studies. Clinical trials waiting to see what works. Pills to calm the heart. Surgeries to stop syncope. More monitors and more hospitals and more doctors. No, thank you.
“It starts next month.”
“I still have two months here, Max.”
“It might be too late, Rubes.”
His words are like a slap in the face. Hot tears hit my eyes.
All I hear isDon’t, Ruby. Don’t hope. Don’t dare. Don’t live. Don’t love.
I meet Max’s gaze on the screen and manage a dry laugh. “Too late, huh? For me or the study?
“Damn it,” Max hisses, his face contrite. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He inhales a hard breath. “Tell me. What’s been your sunflower today?”
I sigh and reach for the phone. He’s trying to apologize, to change the subject, but I don’t have the energy for it. “I don’t want to do this, Max.”
Suddenly, I hate this game.
I hate my heart.
“Ruby—”
With shaking hands, I end the call.
Maybe Max is right.
Maybe I’m in too deep.
I’m an asshole for lying to Charlie.
I should leave.
A tear slips down my face.
Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore.
Maybe all I am is a thorn.
Ruby’s a goddamn beautiful sight.
I slow my stride, pausing in the doorway of the stables to take in her tiny, willowy frame. She’s at the new pony’s stall, a cremello colt that’s just arrived. Her delicate hands smooth over his cheek, his creamy mane, his pink nose. What I wouldn’t give to be a horse right now.
My boots crunch the dirt. “Second time this week,” I tell Ruby. “This who you’re sneaking around on me with?”
Still petting the horse, she says, “I love him. He’s such a sweet boy. What’s his name?”
“Doesn’t have one. Namin’ them is bad luck. Means we keep ‘em.”
Ever so slightly, her body tenses. “You’re not keeping him?”
“He’s going to a buyer in Deer Lodge next month.”
“Oh.”
