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“Yeah, like coffee,” I said. “I’m still capable of being jealous of anyone who thinks they have a claim on you, and I still find it hard to be a decent father to Cole and Jasper, but I’m trying to be better at everything.”
“Would it be easier between the three of you if you could tell them the truth?” he asked quietly.
“Yes, but I would never do that unless you were ready to.”
Leland gnawed on his bottom lip again before asking if I’d gotten any better at cooking.
“I can successfully boil an egg and build a meatless salad,” I said, to which we both laughed.
We ended up taking our conversation to the sofa, where I spent hours sharing my new self with him and confirming which areas of me would forever be unchanged.
For the most part, the conversation went well and felt good. But there were moments when something innocuous would set him off. When a joke didn’t land the way it should have, and instead triggered his anger toward me.
I took his hostility in stride, because at least it meant he was talking to me, at least it meant he was unleashing everything he’d kept bottled up for so long. And every time I became afraid that he’d wheel himself out my front door and never look back, I’d tell myself this was progress, that I was one step closer to having the other half of my heart back, and he was one step closer to accepting the other half of his.
I told myself that, one day, our half hearts would meet in the middle. One day, our hearts would join and be whole.
Chapter 34
Leland
“So your knees are shot,” I said, tilting my head back so I could soak up the sun.
“I said I quit running. I never said my knees were shot,” Franky said distractedly from the shady side of the backyard.
“Same thing,” I said.
He stopped hammering. “My knees are fine. I’d just rather reserve what I have left of them for…other activities,” he settled on.
I snapped my head up. “Otheractivities? Have there beenotheractivities, Franky?”
“Leland, I didn’t mean to upset you—”
“Then fucking answer me,” I insisted, but he watched me like I was a wild animal instead. “Actually, don’t answer that.” I wheeled for the open patio doors leading into the house, but Franky got in my path. It was either roll over him or stop, so I kept going.
“Damn it, Leland.” He grabbed the arms of my chair while avoiding my casted leg. His face was now inches from mine, and we were breathing as if we’d run miles or fucked for days.
“Get out of my way,” I said.
“No. Not this time. You’ve been running from me all week. We’re okay one second, laughing even, and then you give me the finger, or a derisive curled lip, or nothing at all before you bolt on me. I understand why, and I can handle it, but just this once, don’t run. Talk to me instead.”
He was right. This whole week had been dedicated to taking one step forward and two steps back, and we were likely to continue experiencing setbacks. I didn’t know how to let go of the past for more than a few minutes at a time. Any and everything triggered me.
Discussions about a film he watched during our time apart would upset me because had he not been so selfish for so long, we could’ve watched it for the first time together. Mentions of travel made a veil of red fall over my vision because we could have seen those parts of the world together. And his recollections of nights gazing into a fire made me wonder who he’d been flame gazing with.
Asking was out of the question, because knowing he’d found sanctuary inside anyone but me would’ve sent us all the way back to ground zero. But not knowing did that anyway. More importantly, I was jealous and resentful that he’d grown, that he was able to do so without me, and that in the areas where I needed to be changed the most, I was still the same. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate that he was in a better place until I was in a better place too.
“I know what upset you, and I can even come up with the reason why, but I want to hear it from you,” he said.
Why did he have to be so close to me? I could see the grime caked into the sweat along his neck. The debris from his hard day at work trapped between the strands of his hair. I could smell the scent that made him the perfect man for me. The scent of exertion and need.
“I was your first,” I started. “It shouldn’t mean that much to me, but it does. It did. And you were so fucked-up for so long that I assumed I’d be your last too. I thought it would be impossible for you to feel your way through the dark to someone else, especially when I was right there in the dark with you.Waitingfor you. Why didn’t you just say the right things to make us better? Why didn’t you come to me?”
“I was depressed, Leland. I thought I was doing the right thing by everyone. I had it wrong, and I’m so sorry.” He knelt in front of me now, the sun cascading across his remorse.
“Did it mean something to you? Didtheymean something to you? Did you…enjoy it?”
“Never.And I always regretted it afterward.”
