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Cole laughed without humor. “You think calling it a separation doesn’t make you an adulterer? Were there legal documents signed to give credence to thisseparation?” he asked.
The question was hypocritical of him, seeing that Daniel and Jasper were not only married but still sleeping in the same bed with each other when he and Cole’s affair began. But this was Selene we were talking about. This was their mother, and I understood that this was different for them.
“No,” I said. Selene and I hadn’t gone through the proper legal channels to make our separation official, and while implied that I needed to do whatever was needed to be sure of the direction I wanted our marriage to go in, my freedom to have sex with others hadn’t been explicitly stated by either of us. And even if I’d been able to wave a legal document at Cole, signed and stamped by attorneys and court officials, a separation didn’t mean a severing of our vows. We’d have technically still been married. And in their hearts, in all our hearts, that meant I’d had an affair. “But I don’t want you or your brother believing I would have walked out on her knowing she was ill.”
Cole leaned forward at that. “Is that the reason you went back to her? Because you found out she was sick?”
“That wasn’t the only reason,” I said honestly.
“Did you love her?”
“Yes, of course, I did. Istilllove her, Cole.”
“But you love Leland more,” he said, shocked, as if in all of this he hadn’t once stopped to consider that Leland and I were in love. That we were more than maybe past fuck buddies revisiting old times. “What about everything you told Jasper when you showed up here?”
I’d given Jasper what he deserved. Liberation from his grief. And after everything I hadn’t done right after his mother’s death, I owed him that, by any means necessary.
“You helped him get over his guilt and grief by sharing your own pain surrounding her death. Had everything you said to him been a lie?”
“It wasn’t a lie,” I stressed, “but the whole truth was much more complicated than what I had a right to disclose at the time. You, of all people, should understand that.”
The wrinkles lining his forehead cleared, and I exhaled, seeing it as a sign that he was now listening with the intent to understand, instead of to blame.
“I have a million more questions now than I did before you arrived, but even if I were willing to sit through your answers, Jasper won’t. His forgiveness won’t come easy.”
Cole loved Selene deeply, but Jasper’s bond with his mother went deeper than Cole’s ever could. Jasper and Selene were all each other had for a good while before we were married. They’d been through tough times together. She was his motherandhis best friend. And not only did I make him a promise to always do right by her, I’d also been instrumental in Jasper forgiving himself for the part he believed he played in her death. His sense of betrayal wasn’t necessarily bigger than Cole’s but definitely different. And while Cole tended to stand up and fight when things went wrong, Jasper had a nasty habit of running away.
“He’ll follow your lead,” I said. “If you can get past this, then perhaps so can he.”
“So you want me to beg on your behalf?” he scoffed.
“No, but can you at least get us in the same room?”
“I’m still not sure either of you deserve forgiveness. I may be able to understand why you hadn’t told us sooner, but I can’t promise to ever understand how you two got started in the first place. And do you plan to keep thisthinggoing between you two?” He couldn’t even bring himself to call it what it was.
“I love you, Cole, but you and Jasper aren’t children anymore.” Something I wished I had learned a long time ago. “I no longer have to lie to protect you, no longer have to pretend my marriage was something it wasn’t in order to maintain your sense of stability or to ensure that you like me. And I don’t have to surrender my happiness to please you. Not anymore.” I was sure I’d answered at least half of his unasked questions with that proclamation alone. Cole sat back, his hard features softening.
“Is that what you thought you needed to do?”
“Yes,” I said truthfully. “Will it destroy a part of me to lose you and Jasper? Yes, it will. Will I miss you every second and never stop fighting to have you both back in my life? Absolutely. Will I give up the only person who has known every ugly part of me and loved me anyway? No, I won’t. If you make me choose, Cole, my choice will be Leland.” When it became evident by the following silence that our conversation was over, I nodded and stood to leave.
“Dad,” Cole called as I reached the archway of the living room. I kept my back to him, letting that three-letter word wash over me, perhaps for the last time. It hurt to even consider never hearing it ever again. “You’re choosing him, and I understand why, because I’ll forever choose Jasper above all things. I owe you for him, and having him made everything that happened before him worth it. And if it’s any consolation, we were too in love to be concerned with what you weren’t giving us. What you gave was more than enough, because we got everything else we needed from each other. I’ll talk to him for you. I’ll see what I can do.”
“I love you,” I said raggedly, letting myself believe his words, letting them sink in and work their magic on my heart.
“I love you too,” he said back.
***
Leland waited on the staircase for me, his duffle bag packed and on his lap. He took the last few steps down and met me in the foyer, speaking before I had a chance to. “I’ve given it a lot of thought,” he said. “Your relationship with Cole and Jasper trumps your relationship with me. I get that. And I won’t hold the choice you obviously had to make against you—”
I placed a finger over his lips. “Shut up, Leland.” I took his duffle bag and marched up the stairs and into the closet where I began unpacking it for him.
“Franky, what are you doing?”
“Top or bottom drawer?” I asked, holding up his t-shirts. “We never did sort those details out. If we choose according to our bedroom preferences, that would mean you get the bottom.” My joke only seemed to baffle him more.
“I’m not staying here. I’m breaking up with you because I won’t survive you breaking up with me again.”
