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“Do you regret it?” he asked.
I thought his question over for as long as it took, not wanting to lie or give an answer that didn’t encompass the whole truth. “No, I don’t regret it. No matter how much I should.”
I plucked a Kleenex from the box on the nightstand just in time to catch my sneeze with it.
“Tell me about Theo,” Leland said. “That picture hasn’t left the coffee table in weeks. And I see you staring at it sometimes. He was more than a friend, wasn’t he?”
“No, he wasn’t. At least I’m not sure. I cared for him a lot, and at some point I did suspect that something had shifted between us, but I was young, figured I didn’t know myself or know what I was feeling. My father sent his family away before we could figure anything out, and I’d never experienced those same feelings again.” I shrugged.
“How did it start? When did things change between you two?”
I waited out Leland’s coughing fit, using the time to think back on all the little things, the little signs I’d had from Theo. The ones I thought maybe I’d imagined. “I’d catch him watching me, and he’d blush before turning away. We used to race to our favorite pond on the property, holding hands. Nothing unusual for us. Then one day the way he held my hand changed. His hold on me became…protective, I suppose. Maybe proprietary is a better word.
“Gloria used to make these delicious hoagies for us to take to the pond. And homemade iced-tea. Theo and I would fight over the biggest piece, because she could never quite manage to cut it evenly. We grew older and closer, and one day Theo gave up the bigger half graciously, and continued to do so. And then one day, seeing him became an event. Something I had to shower and pick out the right outfit for.” I shook my head at the memory. “He made my stomach flutter, but we were both still too young and too scared to examine why. And then he was gone, and so were the flutters.”
“And you’ve never felt those flutters again?” Leland asked.
“Not for a long time,” I admitted, staring into those gorgeous brown eyes of his as tiny waves rippled through my core. “Not until you.”
Leland and I spent the next several days curled up together in bed, or recuperating on the sofa, and on one warm night, the boat. We picked over soup, drank a profuse amount of hot tea, and even attempted to kiss, but it either ended with Leland coughing until his ribs ached or me pulling away to sneeze. We were magnetic, and even through sickness, we craved one another.
We settled for holding each other through our fever-induced chills and taking turns hand feeding each other. I’d never felt so cared for before. Maybe because I could never afford to be sick, or maybe I’d simply never given anyone else the opportunity to, had never given myself permission to be vulnerable enough. Another thing to feel guilty for. I’d set everyone up for failure when it came to me.
I’d learned a lot during those days with Leland. I learned I could be a baby when sick so long as I didn’t have the pressure of always needing to be the strong one. I learned I could be nurturing, and weak, and childlike when I could trust that the person I was with didn’t need me to be a pillar for them.
My kids needed me to be strong, my wife needed me to be strong, and Nexcom did too. Leland just needed me to be me.
Leland and I shared a different kind of intimacy that week. One I was afraid to lose after only recently discovering how much I needed it. Being with him felt like thriving. It felt like progress after feeling stagnant for far too long.
My heart beat differently with him. It beat like I imagined it was supposed to. Wild with excitement, then steady as it filled with peace. I never wanted it to end.
But how many people was I willing to hurt to hold on to my peace? That was the part I struggled with.
“Leelee Bear!” I called, rounding the patio from the side of the house. I yelled it again, amused as he cursed the day I was born.
“Is that how you treat the person who went through the trouble of making sure dinner was ready when you got home?” he said when I crossed through the open wall and into the kitchen. I didn’t spare a glance for the food. I enveloped him in a hug, kissing him passionately, showing him how much I missed him.
“Someone’s in a good mood,” he said.
“Yeah, I can finally breathe through both nostrils and my appetite’s back.”
“Andbecause you haven’t been away from me for more than five minutes in a long time, so you missed me. Admit it,” he said,circling his arms around my back. We’d separated to run our individual errands. Leland needed more art supplies and to hand in paperwork for the bartending course he’d registered for, and I needed to put out another fire over at Nexcom.
Normally, the latter would have affected my mood negatively for the duration of the day, but seeing Betty haphazardly parked in the driveway, and knowing her owner waited inside for me, had inverted my frown.
“Should I be admitting that?” I asked. I’d told Leland I couldn’t make him any promises. I’d said I was no good for him and would likely hurt the both of us. He’d in turn said that he knew what he was getting himself into. He was the guy who didn’t commit, who didn’t allow himself to fall. I’d been counting on his boundaries to help me create my own, but here we were, two teen lovebirds, chirping and flying into each other at all hours of the day. It felt good, and somehow that felt bad. Like skydiving without a parachute.
“Sure,” he said, without a care in the world. “If we’re going to do this, let’s not be miserable while doing it or hold back in the process.”
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Leland.” I fondled the shell of his ear.
He nodded, his lips forming a hard line. “You’re right. Sorry. I’m as new to this as you are. It’s just, you’re my friend, too, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” It made it hard to draw straight lines. Made it hard to know which of those squiggly lines shouldn’t be crossed, because even if we weren’t lovers now, I still would’ve missed my friend. “I don’t want to lose our friendship by trying to keep our distance as lovers. If that makes sense.”
“Makes just as much sense as all that sexy caveman shit you were spewing when I rode the fuck out of your cock,” he said, and I groaned, covering his mouth with my palm. He pulled at my fingers, trying to free himself so he could embarrass me further. It seemed to be a new hobby of his.
Leland pinched my nose and smacked his other hand over my mouth, leaving me with no backup option for air supply. His eyes glowed with delight and anticipation of me waving the white flag first. I let him go, gasping for air once he released me as well.
