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“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I said.
“But I do.” He chuckled self-deprecatingly, blinking up at the ceiling.
I squeezed my eyes shut.Don’t say it. Don’t make me face this now. Not now, and maybe not ever.
“You loved her, and now she’s gone. And I get to be sorry about that.” Cole chewed his lip while I swam in the ocean cresting behind his blue eyes. Physically we were so close, yet we were millions of miles apart.
Too many secrets and lies separated us, and not just his. I’d offered them my fair share, even if most were by omission. I’d partaken in withholding Selene’s diagnosis from them until we no longer could, and even now neither of them knew about our marital crisis. We’d fed them a fantasy, and I continued to feed those fantasies with my silence in Selene’s absence.
I knew what haunted Jasper and Cole, what kept them awake at night, and I could have made it all better with a few well-placed words of comfort, instead I began withdrawing from them even more because I was angry. So damned angry.
“Why can’t I ever do right by you?” I’d had no intention of giving voice to that thought, but nothing seemed to be functioning properly. Not my heart, nor my brain. Both organs were filled with so much of everything that this one thing had found its way out.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said, getting back to my tie.
“What is it you think we needed from you that you didn’t give?” he asked, deciding not to let it go.
“Everything,” I breathed, feeling the world crumble around me with that admission. It’d been the most honest thing I’d ever said to him. The most vulnerable I’d ever been with the people who should have, but never did, get all of me. Why was it so hard? Why was itstillso hard?
We were all so broken, I realized right then, but I couldn’t be the one to fix us. I wasn’t strong enough, or brave enough, to do that. Not sincehim.I was capable of very little without him.
An incoming text shattered whatever spell we were under. “Samuel is waiting outside for us,” I said, flinging aside my uncooperative necktie.
“I’ll meet you in the car,” he said, and I nodded. Cole stopped on the threshold of the bedroom, glancing back at me, then into the hall again, seemingly torn between saying more and letting it go.
“You’re there when it matters most,” he said.
“No, I’m not,” I replied, self-disappointment using my insides to sharpen its talons. Because it mattered now, and I couldn’t get past my own deficiencies, my own discomfort, and my own guilt to do anything about it.
I wanted to punch something, preferably myself, but I tucked the need into its tiny compartment, right next to everything else I wasn’t ready to face.
We made it through the funeral services and sped home at Cole’s insistence. He was out of the SUV before Samuel had pulled to a full stop outside the estate doors. I took my time going inside, in no rush to see him dash from room to room in search of something that wasn’t there.
All signs of Jasper were gone.
Jasper didn’t wait around to say goodbye, and I hadn’t hunted him down before leaving for the funeral to tell him that I loved him. That no matter what, I loved him with all of me, even if I’d never been the best at showing it.
Selene’s worst fears had come true. Her son had no one, and I threw myself into my work, determined to make my life as miserable as it could be as penance for my shortcomings.
“You’re a tortured soul, Franky,”Leland had once said. Now I wondered if I’d ever had a soul to begin with.
Chapter 23
Leland
“You’re late,” Johnny griped as I hurried behind the bar. Betty wouldn’t start this morning, so I’d had to take two buses over to Josephine’s to start my evening shift. I used to live within walking distance, but my apartment had become another reminder of Franky, so I moved once my lease was up.
Josephine’s was packed for a Tuesday, and Johnny didn’t seem pleased to have to work drink orders. He could be cantankerous, but he had a soft spot for me. Probably because I was the only one who allowed him to work them like a war horse without complaint. He was too cheap to hire more staff, and I needed the added distraction, so it worked out well for the both of us.
“Take it easy on me, Johnny. I’ve been working doubles for weeks. I got four hours of sleep last night, and my car broke down this morning.”
“According to my calculations, you had more than enough time to get a full eight hours of sleep, which means you decided to do somethingelsewith that time,” he said, his graying brows raised. “Hopefully that at least means my customers are safe from you for the next twenty-four hours.” Johnny hobbled away, and I hustled to get the bottleneck of orders filled.
I slept around—safely. It was the only way I could make it through the day. The only sleeping aid that worked, and the only time I felt in control of my emotions because I didn’t have any while fucking. I was completely numb, and it was difficult to hold on to that illusion when not.
But contrary to Johnny’s penchant for overexaggerating, I only fucked customers who were passing through, and only when I was desperate. I left the regulars alone. That was a hassle I didn’t need.
