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It’s difficult to tell if he’s pissed at me for some reason or if this is just his regular tone. Either way, I want to be close to him, find out how he really feels—claw beneath that rough exterior and see the man underneath.
“Okay…”
He laughs gruffly, sounding somehow savage. “It’s a club tradition. Your old man brought me and Ryan into the mountains when we were kids. We howled at the moon like animals. He taught us that when the time came, we should be able to let the Titan in us out, but we also had to have control.” He looks at me with meaning, though maybe I’m imagining it. “Total control.”
An overactive part of my mind wonders if he’s hinting at the fact that he finds it difficult to keep control with me, or maybe he wants total controloverme.
He walks to the small cemetery, opens the wooden gate, and kneels beside Dad’s headstone. I walk into the cemetery behind him, swallowing as grief touches me. Kai bows his head like he’s praying. He mutters something.
I inch closer, hearing his low, urgent tone. The huskiness in his voice almost has me screaming. He’s saying the Titan’s pledge, reaffirming his loyalty to the club. “… I am a Titan down to my bones, down to my blood, and I’ll bleed if I have to…”
Then, suddenly, he throws his head back and roars at the sky. I take a few steps back; the sound is so animalistic. He roars again, then turns it into a howl, standing and beating his hands against his chest. I can hear the grief, rage, and pain in his voice. He hammers his powerful fists against his muscular body. Slowly, he lets the howl turn quiet, then turns to me.
“I told you it would seem strange.”
I shake my head, my mind full of inappropriate thoughts, especially considering where we are. I should be thinking of Dad, of him and Ryan and Kai out here howling together. Yet when I heard Kai turn full beast, I only wanted to cling to him and for him to hold me and tell me I’m his.
“Uh, it’s okay,” I murmur.
He approaches me. I take another step back. It’s instinct. It’s not like I do it on purpose. Something deep inside me knows that if I don’t move away, I’ll lose any semblance of control and throw myself at him.
“Did I scare you?” he says. It’s difficult to tell if he sees this as good or bad.
“No,” I say, honestly.
This isn’t fear in my heart,
Longing like I’ve never dreamed.
Maybe this is only the start,
Or maybe…
I can’t think of any more lines. He’s standing so close, staring down at me,intome. For a crazy second, I think he might kiss me. There’s no way life would be this perfect. Of course not… He turns away.
“We should get going,” Kai grunts. “Ryan’s waiting for me, but I had to pay my respects. Always. Your old man saved me.”
We return to the bike. I take the helmet from the back seat and pull it on. When Ryan climbs onto the bike, I focus on not losing my cool. If we’re traveling together, I need to get used to touching him, but I know each time will feel like the first. At least he’s got that leather on, meaning I’m not touching his muscles, feeling his heat, strength, and protectiveness. No,stop. He’s not protective of me. I’m just his friend’s dorky kid sister. That’s all he’ll ever see me as.
* * *
“They’re downstairs now,” I tell Natasha, my best friend and the only person who knows about my crush on Kai.
Natasha and I have been friends since middle school. I try to imagine how I’d feel if Ryan had a crush on her. I know I’d hate it. It would make me feel so betrayed and wronged like the universe doesn’t make sense. The Hypocrite of the Year award goes to…
I’m in my bedroom packing a small bag, nothing extravagant. Natasha is on speakerphone, though I have to listen closely to hear her past the radio. I turned it on the second I called her like we’re in a spy flick, and I can’t risk being overheard.
“You sound drunk,” Natasha says. “Areyou?”
“No, I don’t drink. You know that.” I’m still reeling from the scene at the cemetery and the ride over here. If I sound intoxicated,that’swhy.
She laughs softly. “Iknow, but seriously, you sound giddy. You can tell me you’re nervous and unsure if you should do this, but you can’t deny youwantto.”
“If it wasn’t for the argument, there’s no way I’d leave right now. I’d normally be here for the anniversary, but I don’t know. I just can’t.”
“You don’t have to justify it to me. Honestly, I think you should enjoy it.”
“Enjoy it?” I try to laugh as if I can pretend the thought of finding pleasure in this hasn’t crossed my mind. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to.”
