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My throat is dry, and I can feel moisture collecting in my eyes. I swallow too many times, trying to find my voice, but I can't. I shake my head, letting the women know I've only ever been with one man my entire life. "I've been on a series of horrible dates, but those were more about punishing myself than anything else."
"He came back to Toronto to be with you," Tyra smiles at me, taking my hand. "What's holding you back? You have the chance for big love. The kind you see in movies. Even I know how rare that is."
The room is silent. Everyone's attention is on me, and I don't know what to say. I can't lie. I can't tell these women I don't love Ryan because I do. I love him so much that I want him to have everything he's ever wanted, even if it's not with me.
"He deserves better," I choke out on a whisper.
"Better than what?" Holly asks, confused. "He loves you, Avery. He wants a life with you."
"I can't give him the things he wants."
"What do you mean?" Lily says incredulously. "It sounds like you have everything he wants."
"Why not just tell him you made a mistake all those years ago and pick up where you left off?" Riley adds as if it's that simple.
"What am I missing, Avery? You and I used to be honest with each other all the time. We used to read each other's diaries, for crying out loud. But ever since you broke up with Ryan, you've closed off that part of you, and I don't know why." Holly's eyes meet mine, pleading with me to open up and tell her the truth. I can see that my silence has hurt her over the years. She's right. We used to tell each other everything, but I've never shared my biggest secret with anyone except my mom.
"Ryan wants a big family," I finally answer. "He's an only child; after his dad died, it's only been him and his mom." I swallow hard before continuing. "Martha Gunner was like a second mother to me. She joked about having grandbabies all the time to tease Ryan and me. I can't take that away from her. I can't take fatherhood away from Ryan."
"You don't want children?" Lily asks, scrunching her eyebrows together.
If only that were the reason. An uncomfortable laugh bubbles up my throat as tears fill my eyes.Seven Years. I've kept this bottled up for seven years, and I'm finally sharing my truth for the first time. My gaze meets Tyra's and then Holly's. They understand.They know.
I hate the pity I see. Pity for me. It's stupid. Thousands of women are far worse off than I am. I should be grateful for all the things I do have.
"I can't have children."
Somehow the air feels sucked from the room until everyone starts asking questions. I answer willingly and share myself with these women. After I finish, I feel liberated. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders, and, at the same time, I'm exhausted.
“So, is it like one hundred percent for sure you can't conceive?" Taylor asks.
"No, but it's highly unlikely. I have a lot of internal scar tissue," I say, trying to explain. "When I first found out, I asked about IVF and pregnancy alternatives. Those could be possible, but there are blockages in my fallopian tubes, and I have very poor ovulation and egg quality. The blockages can be cleared with surgery, but the rest can't be fixed."
We are all quiet for a while until Tyra breaks the silence.
"I don't think Ryan would care, Avery. He loves you, and I don't think he wants a family with anyone else if he can't have you."
"Tyra's right," Holly nods confidently. "At least give him a chance. Give him a choice."
"There are other ways to make a family, and it sounds like there's a least a small possibility that it could happen." Lily smiles encouragingly.
For the rest of the night, the conversation switches to light stuff. We watch a romantic comedy after our TV show and drink more wine than we ought. After the bottles run dry, Ubers arrive to pick up the ladies, and Luke comes home to sneak into Holly's bedroom.
After I'm alone, I can't help but think about Ryan. Would he care? Would he love me through my defects? I'm scared of the answer. By running away, I took the choice away from Ryan. I saved myself from the possibility of rejection and an even bigger heartbreak.
If I let myself fall in love with Ryan again, I risk getting crushed, and I don't know if I could survive losing him a second time.
10?
Em and Ryan Sitting in a Tree…
Ryan
The team is in a funk.
We clinched a playoff spot a week ago and are sitting in second place in the Eastern Conference. There are only a handful of games left, and Tampa is too far ahead in the standings for us to overtake them. It's looking more and more like we will be facing off against Boston in the first round.
We're in limbo; too far out of first to move up and too far ahead of the rest of the pack to fall down the standings. The analysts say we are playing meaningless hockey, and the team is biding its time before the big show begins in April.
