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And I did. I gave her a ring, asked her to spend her life with me, and she refused.
I don't understand.
"Let me ask you something, Ryan," Holly begins, looking me straight in the eyes like a human lie detector. "Would it bother you if Avery decided she didn't want children? What if she wants to focus on her career? Lots of women do that, you know."
I think about it for a minute. Of course, I want kids, but if Em doesn't, would it be enough to make me want to find someone else?
The answer comes swift and sure.
No.
"Yes, I would like to have kids," I say to Holly. "But if Em doesn't, I would have to respect her choice. She might change her mind down the road. But if I can't have Em, I don't want anyone else."
I must give the correct answer because Holly smiles, and it feels like a stamp of approval. I just passed her test.
"Give her some time and space, Ryan," Holly smiles encouragingly. "I'm sure it's nothing. She's probably just stressed about this bullshit going on with Tyra's agent."
Luke strolls into the room in his pyjamas, his hair damp from the shower. He pulls Holly off the couch, smiling at her, before growling at me.
"Mine," he states in one syllable like a Neanderthal, leading her away into his room. Holly laughs the whole way.
I head off to bed, too, hoping Em will text me back and ask me to come downstairs.
At some point I must fall asleep because the next thing I know, it's past two in the morning, and someone with long hair, smelling like lemons, crawls into bed with me. I smile, pulling Em tight to my chest, letting my arm rest firmly over her stomach to hold her in place. She relaxes into me like a perfect spoon.
I stay silent for a long time, worried I'll scare her away. My breath falls into tune with hers, our hearts beating in sync. Everything in me calms as I inhale her scent.
"Just hold me, please," she whispers, eyes pointed towards the window looking out at the city.
"Always," I whisper back. “Forever.”
14?
Breaking & Entering
Avery
Losing home-ice advantage in the playoffs sucks balls.
I hate travelling into enemy territory for the first two games of a series, and I hate Boston. Not the city. I hate the Grizzlies. I hate their black and yellow jerseys. I hate their never-say-die captain. I hate their shit disturbing forward, who does anything to get under our team's skin. But most of all, I hate them because they're good. They're former Cup champions and know what it takes to win.
Boston is the serial killer that won't die in a slasher flick.
I know we can do it. We have the talent. We have the goaltending. We have all the tools we need to dismantle this Boston team. We just need to put it together.
Playoffs make me anxious.
Holly and I are sharing a room like we always do on road trips. But Luke and Ryan are also rooming together, so we’re in the clear if we decide to do a roommate swap, which is highly likely. Aside from Condomgate a few days ago, everything has gone back to normal between Ryan and me. I was worried he would drag out the issue, but he hasn't brought it up again. Thank god. It's not something I'm ready to discuss, and if I analyze why that is, it doesn't take a genius to know it's because I'm scared shitless he'll reject me.
Since the incident, Ryan's been uber-diligent in the protected sex department. I swear he's stashed condoms all over the condo—in drawers, between couch cushions, coffee tables, inside planters, jacket pockets, and jeans. Literally everywhere! He's never unprepared.
And it makes me feel horribly guilty. He's trying so hard to be the perfect boyfriend and make me happy, and he's succeeding. He makes me deliriously happy just by being him.
But…
That hesitant, yet hopeful, look on his face when he considered the idea of me getting pregnant, albeit accidentally, broke my heart. Most guys would have been horrified of knocking up their girlfriends. Not Ryan. The way he bumbled and fumbled through explanations and situations, trying to allay my fears and comfort me, made me hate myself a little bit.
It made me feel selfish and cruel, like I'm hoarding Ryan all to myself and robbing him of fatherhood and having his own children to spoil.
