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"Fuck that! We're going away," I yell erratically. "Pack your shit, Em. We'll go up north. Or we'll take a trip to Europe like you've always wanted. We're not staying here."
"Ryan, you're not thinking straight," she pleads with me. "You're in the middle of playoffs. You can't just leave your team, and neither can I."
I stare at Em, warring with myself. I know she's right, but I don't want her to be. My team needs me. Holly needs Em. We have responsibilities and jobs. We have lives we can't just forget about and leave behind, but that doesn't make me want to protect her any less. I turn to Colton, surveying him from head to toe. He's a big guy and apparently the best at what he does.
"Do you carry a gun?" I ask seriously.
"Yes, sir," he nods stoically.
"Ryan!" Em shrieks as if I am over-exaggerating.
"What? I want to know if he can protect you!"
"He's not going to need to use his gun. Randy is in this for the money, not to kill me."
"Do you know that for sure? Because I don't," I point out. I walk over to her grabbing her gently by the shoulders, urging her to look into my eyes and see how serious I am. "I can't lose you, Em. I can't. You're it. You're my future. You're going to be my wife one day, the mother of our children. You're everything!"
The room goes suddenly silent. Yet again, I've said the wrong thing because tears collect in the corners of Em's eyes. Her gaze turns painful as she looks into my face until she can't stand it any longer. She drops her head and stares at the ground.
"But I'm not," she whispers, her voice strained and breaking.
"What do you mean, 'you're not'?" I recoil. "You are!"
"No, I'm not," she screams back at me in anger and I'm not sure if it's anger at me, the situation, or something else entirely. Her voice is loud and I can feel the panic building inside me. I won't let her leave me again. She starts crying and I freeze, not knowing what to do. Holly's eyes are wide, gawking at Em, while Luke and Colton shirk back into the corner to give us space.
"I'm not going to be the mother of your children, Ryan! I'm not going to be the mother of any children because I can't have any!"
Em claps a hand over her mouth the second the words leave her lips. I'm at a loss for words, and it's clear that Em takes my silence as some sort of answer. She turns on her heel and runs out of the room into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
For a minute, I just stand there, stupidly, letting her words sink in.
Then, like magic, all the pieces start to fit in my mind.
Em crying over my mother's jokes about grandchildren. Em telling me she wants me to have everything I've ever wanted and then breaking up with me. Em crying because of my thoughtless comment about getting pregnant. Em pushing me away, thinking I would choose some fictional future child over her.
I turn to Holly, her face sad and knowing.
"This is what you meant," I croak. "This is why you asked me if I would be okay with not having any kids if Em didn't want them."
She nods wordlessly.
"But she does want them," I choke. "And there's something wrong, and she thinks I wouldn't want her because of it?"
"Yes."
Years of confusion, hurt, and anger cloud my vision.
Mad, crazy, anger.
Haven't I loved her enough? Haven't I shown her I would do anything for her? I would give her every last part of my soul if it meant she was happy. I already have. I would give her every last drop of my blood if she needed it. There is nothing I wouldn't do for that woman.
I storm towards Em's door, barging through it, not caring if she wants me there.
"Is that really what you think of me?" I fume. "Do you really think I give a fuck if you can have kids naturally or not? Do you really think I would want kids if it meant having them with someone else who wasn't you?"
"No! Yes! I don't know," she cries. "You could have anyone. You're good and kind and loving. You're perfect, Ryan. PERFECT! And I'm not!"
Something in the way she speaks breaks my heart. I don't understand why she is so blind to how I see her. So, I tell her.
