AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I hack out a laugh. “Are you kidding? Jon wants nothing to do with him. He’d be happy if he died tomorrow. Another complicated aspect that makes me feel… conflicted.”
“You still love him. Your dad,” Sasha points out.
I nod, feeling the ache deep inside me. The grief I’ve learned to live with knowing I had lost not only Mom, but Dad too. It’s a feeling of intense, unending sadness that follows me every waking moment no matter how much I wish for respite.
Mom was heartbreaking enough. Losing Dad too has been that much more depleting.
But he’s alive now. He’s back in the flesh and if I chose to do so, I could have a relationship with him again…
I block out the thought, and say, “I’m just trying to focus on Dom right now.”
“How is the little teddy bear?”
“Napping,” I say, showing her the screen of the baby monitor. I watch it fondly for another second. “I have to wake him in ten for another feeding.”
Bryce interrupts with a, “Baby! Mommy, lemme see!”
“Not right now, Bryce boo. The baby is sleeping.”
“Sleeping?” He repeats with a wondrous look on his face. “Night night?”
“Yes, night night,” Sasha says, reaching over to stroke his chin. She looks up at me. “And how’s everything else? You look exhausted.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I don’t mean it in a bad way, mama. Just that you seem so tired. Have you been sleeping?”
“Postpartum life is harder than they let on. I feel this way with a full house staff and nanny helping. I can’t imagine doing it alone,” I answer as another yawn racks through me. “We’re still trying to get my iron levels up. I have a hard time staying asleep. My mind won’t turn off. I keep thinking about Dom.”
“It’s hard to relax at first. You keep worrying about the baby. I couldn’t stop checking on Bryce the first few months. Every cry, I was freaking out about making sure he was okay. Even when he was perfectly fed and changed.”
“I’m carrying around this baby monitor, checking it every minute. I can’t even sit and read without glancing over every other sentence. I haven’t left his side for more than fifteen minutes since he was born. Salvatore insists I take some time for myself, but…” I trail off and blow out another conflicted sigh. “It’s weird, Sasha. This new reality.”
“What do you mean?”
“Being a mother. Adjusting to what that means.”
Concern etches across her face, and she grabs my hand from where she sits. “You’re doing great, mama. Nobody’s perfect.”
“I just… haven’t felt like myself lately. Even my body. It’s like I’m someone else.”
“You look great too.”
“You sound like Salvatore. But it doesn’t feel likeme.”
“Your body?”
“Everything,” I reply, realizing I’m probably making little sense. “I love providing sustenance to Dominic, I love that I carried him, and I have the scars to prove it, but… I just don’t feel comfortable yet. My breasts ache and none of my old clothes fit right now. I haven’t worn anything other than yoga pants since well before he was born. My hair…”
“This is what I mean. You still need time for you. Let’s go get our nails done!” Her eyes brighten along with the wide smile she gives.
I shake my head. “I don’t want to leave Dom. The nanny is amazing, but…”
“You’re attached.”
“What if something happens? What if he needs me?”
“You sound like me when I first started leaving Bryce at daycare. But I had no choice because I had to go back to work.”
