AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Why? What happened?” Dmitri stopped abruptly and sighed. “God, you don’t have to tell me that. I’m being nosy.”
“I don’t mind.” Raphael turned toward him again and rested his arm under his head, the glass hard and a little cold beneath his sleeve. “I don’t think he ever really understood what it was like to date someone like me. Some people want to prove something when they date me or when they fuck me. Mostly to themselves—that they’re not so shallow that my disability couldn’t matter.”
“It shouldn’t,” Dmitri said, a little bit rough.
Raphael shook his head. “It has to. It’s down to the very fabric of my atoms. I can’t turn it off. It never goes away. Chiara wanted to travel the world with me, but my body wouldn’t let me climb all those mountains. Cody wanted to settle down and have something stable, but he couldn’t stomach the sight of me after a seizure, and he was tired of having to consider every place we went out and every bite of food I could eat. I’m not angry at them—it is what it is.”
“But you loved them.”
Raphael grinned even wider. “Of course I loved them. They were worth loving for the time we spent together. And now I’m here, and I don’t want to go back to what I had before. I like this place.”
“Aren’t you lonely though?” Dmitri sat up and hugged his legs to his chest. “I get so fuckinglonelyhere, but every time I think about dating, I know it’s going to be a big mess. How do you fall in love when sex is…”
“Repulsive?” Raphael offered.
Dmitri shook his head. “No, it’s not like that for me. I love the idea of it, but when I start getting physical it becomes…I don’t know. Uninteresting? And sex is such a big deal in relationships, so how can I fall in love if I can’t keep up?”
“Sex isn’t a big deal for everyone,” Raphael countered.
Dmitri let out a bitter snort. “It is for most people.”
And well, Raphael couldn’t deny that. He liked sex. He was good at it, he liked making his partners feel good, and he liked the pleasure for himself. Sex was something he considered the only thing not lacking in his former relationships. It was the one thing holding together what fragile bond he had with Diego.
But it wasn’t everything.
In the face of actual love, and being cared for, it was too far down on his list to truly matter. All the same, he understood what Dmitri was saying. He understood it probably too well—being denied the ability to be seen as a sexual being at all by so damn many people.
Raphael sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the car, and he dropped to the ground before turning to grab the food. “I’m going to put this away.”
“You want to take off?” Dmitri asked.
Shaking his head, Raphael rested one hand on the car and carefully tried to lift his feet through the tall, thick grass. “No, no. Just wait there. I have something for you.” He opened the door and traded the untouched dinner for the little gas station bag, and then he took Dmitri’s extended hand and heaved himself back up.
It took too long to situate himself, and he was clumsy. The Twinkie was crushed and several of the matches had broken, but he drew out the little cake and shoved one of the wooden sticks into the center.
“What…” Dmitri’s voice was a little breathless, and his smile was hesitant, but growing as Raphael struck another match and lit his makeshift candle.
“I’m not going to sing. That’s my gift to you tonight. But if you have a wish, I thought it might be a good time to make it.” He held out the cake. “Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag,” he said, and when Dmitri’s eyes widened, he laughed. “Happy Birthday.”
Dmitri flushed. “Oh. Um.”
There was a pause, then he watched Dmitri close his eyes and take in a breath, putting the flame out with a single puff. “Don’t tell me your wish,” Raphael murmured when Dmitri looked at him, “otherwise it won’t come true.”
Dmitri bit his lip and took the Twinkie out of his hands, breaking it in half, then hesitated. “Do you want some?”
Raphael shook his head. “No, thank you. And I know it’s not much, but…”
Dmitri swallowed thickly, then closed his eyes in a long, slow blink. “It’s everything. It’s perfect. Thank you.” He took a bite, then another, until all that was left was a bit of the white, chemical frosting left on the edge of his fingers. “Have any of your birthday wishes ever come true?” Dmitri asked.
Raphael smiled as they both turned and looked back up at the sky. The tips of grass along the field were illuminated with the full moon hanging heavily over the mountain peak, and they moved in the light breeze. “I don’t think I’ve ever made one. I don’t like being disappointed, and I don’t trust the universe.”
“I only made a real one once,” Dmitri said. “Usually, I just wished for whatever gift I knew I was getting, but when I was twelve…” He trailed off, then cleared his throat. “It was probably stupid, but I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something so badly.”
“Did it come true?”
There was a silence, not quite oppressive, but thick and imposing. Then Dmitri let out a tiny sigh, and Raphael felt him shrug where he was pressed against him. “I don’t know yet. I’m still waiting.”
“I’ll spare some of my faith for you, then. Since I’m not using any of it for myself.”
