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Rian’s entire face brightened, and Raphael wasn’t sure how that made him feel, because he wasn’t sure this meant anything at all. “Let’s do it.”
And though a small voice told him not to, Raphael nodded and signaled the server to pay the bill.
* * *
“Okay, this was a good idea,”Rian said, his cheeks puffed with the sufganiya, a smudge of powdered sugar on the corner of his lip. “I feel like an ass though.” He eyed the bowl of fresh berries in front of Raphael, then let out a sigh. “Is there anything youcanhave?”
The corner of Raphael’s mouth lifted. “My friend Wilder makes these flourless cakes for me sometimes, but I’ve been eating this way since I was little. It…I have epilepsy,” he said, not meeting Rian’s eyes, because he didn’t want to see more pity than was already there. “It helps.”
“Do you have a lot of seizures?”
Raphael started to shake his head, but his reality—at least the present one—was a little different. “Sometimes. I’m on a new medication right now, and it’s been working well. And I’m okay with my limitations,” he said. It was a half-lie. He was okay when he didn’t have to explain himself.
He glanced up to see Rian taking another bite, the jam in the center spilling out, but he was unashamed. They were up on the roof, near the fire pit, which helped brace them against the breeze coming off the lake. It was going to be October soon, and the first scent of autumn was in the air.
Things already felt off-kilter and upside down, and he wished desperately for the power to see ahead and tell him what the state of his heart would be in the coming months.
“I see why you like it here,” Rian said after another beat of silence. He tugged his jacket around him a little tighter after a surge of wind, and then it died down and the heat from the fire settled back in. “How long has this place been around?”
“Not long. People didn’t love the new development,” he admitted. “They wanted to preserve the city, but everyone seems to be warming to it.”
“I can see that,” Rian said quietly. He picked up his napkin, clearing his face, then his body tensed. “Can I…”
Raphael waited a few beats. “You can ask me.”
Rian swallowed. “Can we sit together?”
The tables on the deck were nothing more than small, cushioned loveseats around the little fire pit table. There was room for two, but Raphael’s heart thrashed against his chest because while he’d allowed himself to enjoy the date, that was taking a step he wasn’t sure he was ready for. He looked at Rian, and then he decided to take a leap, because what was the point of holding back.
“Yes.”
Rian hesitated, but only for a second. He crept around the table, then eased onto the cushion next to Raphael and let their thighs settle together. Raphael knew his body wasn’t made for cuddling. At least, it wasn’t ever going to be yielding and soft. He liked that men had harder edges most of the time, but his were razor sharp and stiff. Rian didn’t seem to mind much though. He slung his arm along the back of the settee and looked at Raphael out of the corner of his eye.
“I thought about faking a yawn, but this date has been ridiculous enough as it is.”
Raphael shifted so he could look at him properly. “Has it?”
“Not in a bad way,” Rian said quickly. “But we started with awkward ex talk…”
“Not entirely,” Raphael interrupted, and Rian’s mouth closed. “You told me about yours, but you didn’t ask about mine.”
“I didn’t want to be rude,” he said quietly. “I wanted to put myself out there, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had a first date.”
Raphael shrugged. “Aller Anfang ist schwer.”
With a smile, Rian shook his head. “I actually know that one. I had to take two semesters of German and French to pass the language portion of my graduate degree. It kind of stuck with me.”
“Well, it’s not a lie. Beginningsarehard,” Raphael told him. His hand twitched, and in spite of the fact that it felt wrong, he reached over and pressed their palms together. Rian didn’t move, not much, but his hand was warm and laid easy and relaxed against his. “To be honest, I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”
“How long ago was your breakup?” Rian asked.
Raphael smiled and shook his head. “No, not because of that. I’ve only dated two people long term, and both were over years ago.”
“But it’s someone.” Rian squeezed his hand a little and refused to let go of his gaze. “Trust me, I know that look.”
Bowing his head, Raphael let out a sigh. “It was someone, but there was never anything between us. The relationship is wrong for a lot of reasons, but it’s taken me some time to feel ready to let go.”
“Well,” Rian said, then let out a long, breathy sigh, “can I say that I’m glad you’re taking a chance with me?”
