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Something flashed in Rian’s eyes, and before Dmitri could take it back, he dropped his foot and sat forward. “About that…”
“I didn’t mean to be…” he started, but Rian didn’t let him get further than that.
“I need help.”
Dmitri’s jaw snapped shut for a second, and he cleared his throat. “With what?”
“I really like Raphael, and I appreciate you helping me convince him to take a chance on me, but I feel like I’m doing something wrong.” Rian dragged a hand through his hair, then reached for the kettle, which was half boiling, and filled both mugs. He produced some little containers of cream that looked like they’d been stolen off a breakfast restaurant table, and in his drawer, he had a small plastic bag full of brown sugar cubes.
Dmitri fixed his tea the way he liked, stirring with a plastic spoon that bowed a little from the heat of the water as he gathered his thoughts. Rian looked tired then, and a little defeated, and he wanted to feel triumphant, but he couldn’t bring himself to.
“I don’t want a lot of detail. That’s not my business,” Dmitri started. “But could you be more specific?”
“Well, we see each other a few times a week, and he’s slept over twice,” Rian said, waving his hand casually, like it wasn’t a knife to Dmitri’s gut. “And I know things are complicated because of his epilepsy and being away from home isn’t something he can do all the time.”
“Yes,” Dmitri said.
“But he doesn’t invite me over. He seems to enjoy our time together, but we haven’t…” Rian hesitated, looking up through his long lashes. “This might border on the detail you don’t want.”
“Well, thankfully I had the sex talk from a really awkward gym teacher in fifth grade,” he responded, “so I get how that works. I just don’t want specifics.”
“We haven’t even gone that far,” Rian said. “We sort of kissed, once, and he lets me hold him a lot.”
Dmitri wanted to stop him there and tell himthosewere the details he didn’t want. He’d watched for over a year as Raphael got sexed up and marked up by Diego, and it hadn’t bothered him because it hadn’t meant anything. But those moments—the quiet, intimate, soft moments of holding and being held… those were the ones he couldn’t bring himself to imagine.
“He likes, uh…that sort of thing. Sex,” Dmitri said, chastising himself for sounding like a prude. “But he tends not to mix sex with you know…feelings? He told you about Diego, right?”
Rian blinked. “Um.”
Fuck, Dmitri thought. “He works at the fire station, and I don’t want to tell you too much because it’s so not my place but…”
“Yeah, he told me about him.” Rian sipped his tea and sat back, rubbing the back of his neck. “But it’s not just…sex. I don’t really know how to explain but, but I get the feeling he’s not interested in me. And he did tell me there was someone else.”
Dmitri nearly choked, but he just managed to save his dignity. “He…what?”
“You know, whoever it was he was into, but he said it wouldn’t work out. He didn’t give me their name or anything, and it doesn’t matter. He just wanted time to get over them, and I can do that, but I want to know he’s going to let this go somewhere.”
Dmitri pretended like those words hadn’t crushed him—like those words hadn’t proven that it had never been him. He didn’t think it was Luca, but it could have been literally any one of their friends.
It was wrong to be angry—he understood that perfectly. Raphael didn’t owe him anything, and their friendship was a gift. But his stomach ached.
“I’m not really sure what you’re asking me to do. I mean, if you want me to reassure you…”
“No,” Rian sighed out. He sipped his tea again, then set it down and leaned over his knees. “At this point, I will promise you a full list of my essay questions if you can help me romance him. With the things he likes.”
Dmitri’s gut clenched. “Okay, I feel like I could get expelled, and you could get super fired for that.”
Rian shrugged one shoulder. “You could absolutely have me fired for trying to bribe you with test answers. But it’s worth it. I really like him. I want to make him happy. I think I could—if he just let me, but I don’t know how. And I know he adores you more than anyone else in his life. He trusts you in ways he doesn’t trust other people. It’s important to me that you understand I just want a chance because I think I could be good for him. Andtohim. Hell, I’d buy a ring right now if I knew we had a future together.”
Dmitri wanted to cry. He wanted to smash his mug and wail and tear at the walls and put his fist through a window just to feel something besides the pain in his gut. Mostly because it was the one thing he had truly wanted for Raphael—that worship, that adoration, that happiness. He’d just wanted it to come from him. And he wanted it to be welcome.
But that was not reality, and it was time.
“Okay,” he said, and Rian blinked in shock.
“What, really?”
Dmitri nodded. “Because I feel the same way about him. He was one of the first people who took a look at me and decided that I was worth something just for existing. Even my family kind of kept me at arm’s length because they weren’t sure I was going to turn out to be any good at all. But Raphael didn’t care if I did or not. And I want him to be loved so completely and so totally that he’ll forget everyone else around him.”
