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“Do you want me to send him home?”
“Yes,” Raphael said. He took a deep, shuddering breath, and when he came to a second time, the hands were better. Softer. Gentler. He curled toward them, leaning into the touch, letting one more sob escape.
“Aw, babe, look at you,” Luca murmured.
“How bad?”
At that, his friend chuckled, a soft, careful noise as nails scraped his scalp. Luca had somehow managed to wedge himself up on the massage table though he had to be nearly falling off, but Raphael’s head was pillowed in the crook of his arm, and he felt warm and safe.
“You’ve looked prettier, but I’d still date you.”
At that, Raphael winced. “Rian was here.”
“I know. He left after I showed up. I think he was jealous.” Luca gently pulled away, then stood and pushed Raphael’s chair up against the table. With both hands, he eased him to sit, and the world swam, but only for a minute.
The recovery wouldn’t be as hard. The seizure had been short. He didn’t think he’d hit his head, and he’d been able to sleep a while after. The medication was working—just not fast enough for his own tastes, but then again, nothing ever did.
“I think I was an asshole,” Raphael said, grunting as he sat. His legs trembled too much to move, so Luca knelt to adjust his feet into the rests.
“I don’t know if he gets it,” Luca admitted as he handed Raphael sunglasses. When they were secure, he pushed out of the room, and the sun coming through the windows didn’t make him want to die. “I think if you explain it though, he might.”
Raphael wasn’t sure he was ready for that, but his head was still foggy, and he couldn’t seem to put together a complex sentence. It was easier to just sit in silence and let himself feel the ebb and flow of his emotions as they drove back to his place. His stomach felt queasy, and all he wanted in that moment was another long sleep and warm arms to hold him.
“How long can you stay?” he asked as Luca pulled into his usual spot in front of his house.
Luca rolled his eyes behind his shades. “You know I’m here as long as you need me, babe. Do you want to nest on the sofa or bed?”
“Sofa,” Raphael said, because in the end—when Luca actually did leave him to feel all the rest of this on his own—it would be easier. He felt less alone with his TV there, close to the kitchen, far from the bedroom that was too big and too empty.
And in these moments where he had no choice but to let himself be more vulnerable, he didn’t fight enjoying Luca’s help. He was cocooned on his sofa with his weighted blanket and glass of water. Luca dug around in his freezer until he found his frozen berries and left those within reach because eventually, he’d wake up starving.
Then Luca pulled him tight and buried his nose in Raphael’s hair and didn’t seem to give a single shit that he smelled like sweat and a faint bit of piss, and his body was still hard and trembling. Luca’s careful fingers brought him the only semblance of peace he could have right then, because his body would recover, but his emotions were still battered.
He’d given Dmitri up—and that was fine. But he might have ruined any chance with Rian—and maybe that was for the best.
* * *
Raphael was just comingout of the shower when he heard the knock on his door. He was feeling better, but Jayden insisted that he take a second day off, so he turned his phone off and decided to wallow a bit on his own for the next afternoon. He didn’t bother with grabbing his crutches, making his careful way to the door in his boxers and t-shirt, hair still dripping into his eyes.
He blinked in surprise when he saw Rian standing there, and the other man threw his hands up in immediate surrender. “I know I should have called. I mean, Ididcall. Uh…but your phone was off.”
Raphael wasn’t quite sure how he felt, but it was calm enough to step back and gesture for Rian to step in. He was aware he’d been deliberately keeping the man out of his personal space, but he hadn’t much pretended otherwise. He wasn’t ready, he didn’t trust Rian, and he didn’t trust himself. He knew he didn’t deserve the ambush—he had little control over his emotions directly after a seizure, and it wasn’t Rian’s fault he saw it, but apologizing for who he was, was useless.
“Do you want something to drink?” Raphael asked as he shut the door. He wouldn’t be surprised if this was the moment.
It’s not you, it’s me. I didn’t know what I was getting into, and it’s better if we just…
Part ways.
Don’t see each other.
See other people.
Move on.
He’d heard it all, really—usually after a first date and sometimes after a second. Once after a few months, and once after a few years.
“I’m good. I just wanted to make sure we were okay,” Rian said, and stepped forward a little too fast.
