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“I texted you,” Raphael said after a bit. “Mostly to apologize.”
“For what?” Dmitri looked so genuinely confused, Raphael’s heart twisted in his chest.
“For a lot of things. For not being there for you when you needed me. For pushing you away. For punching Paxton in the face when really I should have ripped his dick off.”
Dmitri laughed and squeezed his fingers. “Okay, the cops might have had to get involved if you’d done that, so I’m glad you restrained yourself. I liked the punching though.”
Raphael chuckled with him and shook his head. “It was my first punch.”
“Really?” Dmitri let him go, but before Raphael could feel the absence of his touch, he turned and draped a leg over Raphael’s thighs. “Never before?”
“Just playful fighting at school when I was little. Before everyone was afraid to hurt me,” he confessed. “I’ve never felt so angry in my life.”
Dmitri closed his eyes and tipped his head up toward the cloudy grey sky. “I should have known better. Paxton had a lot of red flags before that stupid date. He said some shit about Owen that—” He stopped abruptly, shaking his head. “I just…I don’t know.”
“You have terrible luck,” Raphael murmured.
Dmitri peered one eye at him, sulking a little, which made Raphael smile. “Thanks.”
He shrugged one shoulder, then reached up and tucked a lock of hair back away from his face. He didn’t miss the way Dmitri leaned in, or the way he shuddered a bit, or the way he looked afraid, though it was nothing like he’d looked the night before.
Raphael took a moment, settling into Dmitri’s warmth against his legs, surrounded by the faint sound of the wind behind the car. Dmitri’s eyes were still closed, but his finger drew lines along Raphael’s inner arm, and Raphael felt like he could sit there for the rest of his life.
“I should have told you how I felt,” he said after a while. “A long time ago.”
He wished Dmitri would look at him, but he understood why he didn’t. Dmitri dragged his lower lip between his teeth, biting down hard before letting go. “Why?”
“Because you deserved to know,” Raphael said. “Because I was being a selfish asshole, and I could have saved us a lot of time, I think.”
Dmitri swallowed thickly, and when his eyes opened, they weren’t pointed at Raphael. He stared at the woods in front of them, his cheeks now pink, and he shifted closer. “Tell me now.”
Raphael tried desperately to find the courage he’d been lacking all this time. It was there, in small sparks and tiny bursts, and he held on with both hands. “I like you.” He stopped and laughed, the sound bitter but directed at himself. “That’s such a pathetic word for how I feel. It’s so much more than that. You’re so important, and so beautiful. I never looked at you before, because Jayden was so terrified of anyone hurting you, and I didn’t want to be a name on a list. I was still such a mess.” His hand twitched, and he gave in to his desire to brush Dmitri’s hair back again, and Dmitri leaned into the touch. “But you walked into the shop on your birthday, and I couldn’t help it.”
Dmitri smiled. “You gave me a Twinkie that night.”
“It was pathetic.”
“It was the best gift anyone has ever given me,” Dmitri said, and the honesty in his tone was piercing. “I thought maybe you didn’t see me as some kid…”
Raphael waited, but Dmitri didn’t finish his sentence. “Not after that night. After the stars. After the weeks of you sneaking into the shop with lunch and staying until you were late for work.”
Dmitri laughed. “I was so sure Wilder was going to fire me.”
“He adores you. He would never.” Raphael shifted a little, his back and legs hurting from the metal, but he didn’t care. “Everyone I have ever fallen in love with has left me. I was stupid, and I was afraid if I let myself…”
Dmitri closed his eyes, and his breath shook a little in his chest. “I get it.”
“But you shouldn’t,” Raphael said. “I shouldn’t have let you suffer for the mistakes in my past. You deserved more than that.”
Dmitri shook his head. “I don’t know if that’s true. God, Raph. You deserve someone who wants you.”
Raphael stared at him for a long time. “You don’t want me?”
“I do,” Dmitri blurted. “God, Ido. But not…not the way you want. I’ve fucking tried, okay? I’ve fucking tried to make myself want those things from you because I’m in love with you, but this is who I am, and that’s not fair to you.”
Raphael frowned in spite of the way that his heart was thrashing wildly, because Dmitri was in love with him. “I don’t understand, kleine Engel. What’s not fair?”
Dmitri froze, then smiled and leaned in, pressing his forehead against Raphael’s chest. “You haven’t called me that in a while.”
