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His knuckles were still cold enough that knocking on Rian’s office made them ache, and his heart beat wildly against his chest when the door cracked open, and Rian looked at him like he was seeing a ghost.
“Mr. Williams. I wasn’t expecting you.”
Dmitri flinched at hearing his last name, like he was ordinary. Like he was a stranger. He cleared his throat. “I’m bothering you. Sorry. I’ll just…” He turned to go, but a tentative hand dropped on his shoulder for only a second, and he stopped.
“Dmitri.”
He closed his eyes a long moment, then turned. “I just, um. I wanted to talk really quick.”
“You should come inside.” Rian stepped back in, holding the door wide, and when Dmitri was through, he shut it and locked it. “I don’t want anyone barging in, and people have been trying to convince me to cancel class all morning.”
Dmitri tried for a smile, but it felt more like a grimace. “Well, I can’t really blame them. Even though I missed so much.”
“I didn’t impart any secret wisdom to anyone while you were gone, I promise. You’re going to be fine,” Rian told him, sinking into his chair. He was dressed sweetly, like always, in his fitted sweater and jeans. He rested his forearms over his thighs and leaned forward. “What’s on your mind?”
“An apology,” Dmitri said. He saw the way Rian looked wary, and he cleared his throat again. “I should have showed up last week. I was being a coward because I’ve never…this is new for me.”
“I had a feeling,” Rian said gently. “I was just worried about you.”
Dmitri nodded. “Last week was rough. I guess Paxton left town, which is fine, but um…everyone was talking about it, and I didn’t know what to say.”
“You don’t owe anyone an explanation,especiallyregarding that,” Rian said fiercely.
Dmitri looked at him a long moment. “You know from experience, don’t you?”
Rian swallowed thickly. “Yes, I know. Not in the same way, but I know. And I’m sorry. I’m so…I’m angry, because everyone deserves better than that. If you need anything, you can tell me, okay?”
“I’m good,” Dmitri said softly, and this time his smile felt real.
Rian sat back and breathed out a slow sigh. “You have Raphael. Which is good. I’m happy for you.”
Dmitri laughed. “Yeah, but that’s not what I meant. Um. So, I went through some shit when I was a kid, and CPS gave me to my uncle after my dad…” He stopped, not wanting to relive those old memories that mattered so little to him now. “Anyway, my therapist helped me with my anger issues, and I still talk to her from time to time. She let me come in for a few sessions after this whole thing, and it helped.”
Rian stared at him, then let out a small, breathy laugh. “This isn’t the first time I’ve underestimated you, and I feel bad that I keep doing it.”
“Most people do,” Dmitri admitted.
Rian sobered. “I know, and some day they’re going to feast on crow. For now, I promise to do my best not to keep it up. Is there anything Icando?”
Dmitri shook his head. “No. I just wanted to say that um…that when I helped you with Raphael, I wasn’t lying, or trying to undermine what you two had. I loved him, but I wanted him to be happy. I’m selfish—a little—so I’m glad it’s me,” Dmitri paused as Rian laughed, “but I would have been happy for you both if it worked out.”
“It’s why you deserve him far more than I ever could. I could never be that selfless.” Rian dragged a hand through his hair, then reached for his teacup, which Dmitri had a feeling was stone cold from the way he grimaced. “I’m not miserable, though. I spent a lot of years working on myself after my divorce, and I think I’m in a good place.”
“I think you are too,” Dmitri said. He wanted to linger. He wanted to feel like this moment was normal, but it never would be. Maybe they’d be friends, some day. Maybe, if the situation ever arose where they met somewhere else—when they were both living different lives—they could make something of this.
But it wasn’t now.
“I should go. I want to get a little bit more cramming from everything I missed.”
Rian nodded, then rose to show Dmitri the door. Before he opened it, he laid a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t be a stranger,” he said quietly.
Dmitri bowed his head. “I’ll do my best.”
It felt like a lie, but it wasn’t. Hewouldtry his best, but he could see into the crystal ball, and he knew it was better that they let whatever this friendship was fade. Rian would move on, and he’d be happy. He’d stumble into someone’s life and change their whole world.
And really, that was the difference. Dmitri and Raphael didn’t need changing, they just needed that moment to wake up. Because they had each other all along. They just needed time to see it.
23
