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He has a way of surprising me with probing questions like that, the kind that sort of knock me off balance for a second while I try to get my thoughts together. “How about never?”
“Right. That’s what I thought.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is…” He gets up and makes a big deal about moving around the space, picking up empty bottles and taking them to the trash can under the kitchen sink. “Maybe stop worrying about your latest shitty job that you only took because they were willing to give you enough hours to make ends meet and look at this as an opportunity.”
“An opportunity for what?”
“To figure out what you actually want to do.” There’s a faint growl in his voice like he’s frustrated. “You’ve got nothing else to do but make a plan for how you want your life to look after this. All of your needs are taken care of.”
“I’m practically being held hostage, or did you forget about that? I can’t even convince Mason to let me go out.” And forget getting him to come with me. He’s too busy and important for that. If I had known our trip out to get pancakes would be our big outing, I might have thought twice about answering Jase’s call.
“Boo-hoo,” Jase quips. I swear, I’m going to strangle him. “Poor you, living in the lap of luxury with plenty of time to stop panicking and start planning. What a damn shame.”
“You make it sound so easy.” I jab my fork through a piece of grilled chicken like it’s the chicken that’s on my last nerve and not my brother.
“I don’t see why it has to be complicated. You’re stuck in that mindset.” He taps his fingers to his temple. “You need to get out of it. Or else all you’ll ever be good for is stocking groceries and pouring drinks. And I know you want more than that.”
Sometimes, he comes up with something so logical that it’s almost infuriating. “I don’t even know what I want to do,” I admit.
“I know, and that’s okay. Nobody’s pressuring you to figure anything out right away. I’m just saying, think about it.”
So I try to think about it while he straightens up the suite. I don’t know whether he’s doing it because he knows he has to or trying to prove a point. Either way, it will be nice not having to be embarrassed by my brother’s sloppiness. I know he isn’t my responsibility, but I can’t help feeling like he is sometimes. He’s a reflection of me. You would think I was the older sibling.
What do I want to do? What do I like to do? It’s probably pretty sad, the way I can’t come up with anything even when I give it a sincere try. When life is all about survival, there’s no room for like or want. There’s only need, such as the need for food and clothing, electricity, and bus fare. When you’re in the habit of scrambling to keep your head above water, you tend to forget there was ever a time you did the things you wanted to do. Like being a kid, having that freedom. When it’s all stripped away, it’s easy to lose parts of yourself, too. To forget who you are—or were—before life took away your options.
And here I am, with the chance to get myself back on track. Could it be that simple?
“What am I even good at?” It’s such a stupid question that it makes me laugh.
“Are you serious? You’re brave. Braver than most people.”
“Shut up.”
“You don’t know that about yourself?” He cocks his head to the side after dropping a fistful of balled-up napkins into the trash. “Really? You walked into this hotel for me. You didn’t have the first clue what was gonna happen once you were inside. But you went anyway. That’s brave.”
“So what? I’m supposed to look for a job that requires bravery? This isn’t making me feel very good.”
“There’s more to you than that. I’m just saying that’s the first thing that came to mind.” He rests his folded arms on the counter and blows out a sigh before his brows lift. “You’re smart.”
Lately, I have to wonder about that. If I were smart, I wouldn’t make it so easy for Mason to hurt and confuse me. I wouldn’t want more from him than he’s willing to give. “I don’t know.”
“And you’re funny. You’re quick, you know?” He snaps his fingers. “You always like, come up with smart comebacks.”
“That’s still not much of a job skill. Unless somebody wants to hire a smart-ass to keep them in line all day. I could bully them into getting their work done.” I can think of one person in particular who I’d love to bully a little.
“Give it some time. You don’t have to figure it out right this minute.” But that’s the thing. I feel like I do. At any minute, this could all come to an end. It would surprise me that he doesn’t see that if I didn’t know him as well as I do. He’s never been good at thinking too far into the future, while there are times when I feel like that’s all I do. I look ahead and worry. “I usually find the bright side of everything. A silver lining, but the last few days, I keep thinking of the worst way something could turn out.”
