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Yes, that was exactly what I was going to do.
And when I did come back, I would’ve come back married and telling everyone that the baby belonged to my new husband Ezra.
Although that’s not my immediate concern right now.
My stupid, naive, revenge plans.
I’m more concerned about the fact that he still hasn’t shown any reaction. He still hasn’t moved or twitched or flexed a single muscle in his body.
“And I wanted to do that, I wanted to lie to you and use you and leave you, because I wanted revenge. I wanted to teach you a lesson. I wanted you to know what it felt like when someone dupes you and uses you for their own purposes. I guess I thought if I did to you what you did to me, I’d finally get closure. I’d finally stop feeling so foolish and stupid for the way I ran after you. I’d finally… move on.
“But then I realized something. Actually you made me realize it. Last night. You made me realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to feel stupid for. Because all I did was listen to my heart. All I did was go after something — someone — that I loved. And I was brave to do that. I was brave to put myself out there, to go for what I want, to love you to the point of recklessness. And bravery does require that, doesn’t it? Recklessness and thoughtlessness. If we always listen to our survival instinct, no one would ever scale a mountain or dive into an ocean. If we always kept protecting ourselves, we’d never venture into the unknown. No one would ever change the world, either their own or someone else’s. No one would ever create something, invent something, discover something. No one would ever fall in love. And I don’t think I want to live in a world like that. A world without the romantics and the dreamers, the poets, the storytellers. Anyway, I needed that. I needed to hear that. That’s what I needed. To be able to move on. To get closure. To… get my life back, and you did that for me, Ledger. You…”
I sigh, my eyes stinging. “I used to think that what you did was unforgivable. That it was the most horrible thing that anyone had ever done to me. And that may be true, but I also think that you’re not alone. In acting out your anger. I’m the same. And I’ve been angry for so long, you see. I’ve been angry and bitter and just miserable. For so so long. And I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hate you anymore. I’m done hating you. I’m done looking back. I’m done.
“I guess I put you on a pedestal. Back then. I thought you were this perfect guy and I thought you could do no wrong, but that’s not fair to you. You’re human. You make mistakes just like the rest of us. And so I forgive you. For whatever you did. For however you treated me. Not only that night but before that too. I forgive you for everything, Ledger.”
Until I said it all out loud, I hadn’t realized how true each word is.
I did put him on a pedestal. I did expect too much from him. I expected him to give up his lifelong issues for me, his anger, his ego. His rivalry with my brother. I expected him to choose me over his forever dream of soccer. And while anger is never a good thing and revenge and rivalry will only hurt you in the end, I had no right to expect him to change all of that for me.
If he ever wants to change, he needs to do it for himself.
Not for anyone else.
So I guess it’s time to put the past to rest. It’s time to grow up and accept that I was too young for him back then and he was too angry for me. And that it’s for the best that we never came together.
Some stories are just not meant to be love stories. And our story is one of them.
But our story doesn’t have to be a hate story either.
Although it may not be in my hands anymore. After what I just told him, there’s no way that he doesn’t hate me or isn’t angry with me.
I don’t know what he’s thinking right now though.
I don’t know what’s going through his head.
“Anyway it’s not about that. It’s not about the past. Not anymore at least. I know I should’ve told you all this, last night. Before we had sex, and I was going to but… But I got scared. And selfish. I wanted to have one night with you. Where it was just you and me and nothing else. But I guess I was wrong. Because we did have something else in between and I put it there: my lie. And all I can say is that…” I pause to take a shaking breath in. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Ledger. I know it’s not enough and I don’t expect you to accept my apology. When I didn’t accept yours. But I wish I hadn’t done what I did or what I was planning to do. I guess I got too caught up in revenge and hate and I twisted it all up in my head. It’s not an excuse but it’s all I have. I think it would be best if I just left. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I shouldn’t have —”
