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He stares at me for a few seconds and I hope that he buys it.
I know I have twisted around my words a little. Because there is something between us. But even though we’re engaged, there never can be anything between us because he’s gay.
When he keeps his silence and doesn’t catch me out on my sort-of lie, I continue, “I’m not yours. Not really. I never was and I never will be. And I’m sorry. God I’m so so sorry that I even thought about keeping her from you. But I promise that I won’t. I will never ever keep this baby from you, Ledger.”
And I promise to myself that I will find a way to make it happen.
No matter what my future holds and where I go, I will make sure that Ledger is never away from her.
Because just like we’re his family, he’s ours.
He’s mine.
And I will stand by him. As much as I can. I know it’s not going to be ideal, my life is more complicated than anybody realizes, but I’m nothing if not resourceful. I’m nothing if not a fighter.
I’m brave; he told me that.
And I will find a way.
But I need him to promise me that he can’t do what he did today.
I reach for his face and cradle it with my palms. “I meant it when I said that that’s all I want from you. A baby. And nothing else. I don’t want…” My heart clenches in my chest. “An us. There is no us. So I need you to promise that you won’t get jealous and territorial because —”
He straightens up then and for the second time tonight, works his athletic magic to position my body. He picks me up by the waist and turns me around so rather than sitting between his thighs like I was up until now, I’m straddling his hips.
Bringing his hands down to my butt cheeks, he goes, “Because my dick’s the only thing you want.”
I flinch, my hands settling on his shoulders. “I-I mean when you put it like that, it does sound very crass, but —”
He squeezes my butt cheeks. “No other way to put it, Firefly.”
I blush. “No, it’s not… I mean yes. I realize that, but it’s not really like that. I only said that because I just don’t want there to be any confusion between us and —”
“Confusion.”
“Yes. I just…” I squirm on his lap and he squeezes my butt cheeks again, stopping me. “Listen, this is coming out all wrong. What I meant was that we both need a break from reality, you and me. I know you haven’t said anything but I can guess. There’s something going on with you and your brothers and it’s affecting your game. And I… I just want to help and —”
“Don’t need your help.”
“But I —”
“What I really need to know though,” he cuts me off, “is what’s your reality?”
“Nothing,” I say quickly and unconvincingly, tensing up.
“I’m guessing your asshole dad.”
“That’s not important.” I try to push away from him. “That’s not what I was saying. I was saying that —”
He doesn’t let me go, keeping his hold on me firm and tight. “That all you want from me is my dick.”
I wince again. “Look, I didn’t mean that. I meant —”
“You should have,” he says then. “Because I don’t have anything else to give you anyway.”
“That’s not true. That’s —”
Determination lurks in his features as he goes back to the topic I’ve been trying to avoid. “Are you going to tell me what your piece of shit father is doing to you?”
I regard him silently, cursing my own mouth for leading me down this path. Then, “No.”
A muscle jumps in his cheek, his eyes dark and displeased.
“Because as I said, it’s not important and I don’t want to talk about him. Or anything related to real life,” I tell him resolutely. “I just need you to promise me that you won’t act out like you did today because you’re jealous, and that y-you’ll let me leave when I want to.”
Still, he remains silent and displeased.
And I have to whisper, “Please, Ledger. Promise me.”
“Are you going to run out on me like you did tonight?” he asks at last.
I shake my head. “I-I won’t. I won’t run. I promise.”
“You promise.”
“Yes. I won’t worry you like this.”
His eyes rake over my features. “Fine then. We can stay here, at the cabin. And you can leave whenever you want to. But when I find out what your father is doing, I don’t want you to blame me for what I do to him in return.”
His threatening tone sends shivers down my spine.
And warms me from the inside out.
Even though I will make every effort so he never finds out.
Because like my brother, he will lose his shit too. He’ll lose it bigger than my brother, actually.
