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For him.
That he finally feels them rolling around under my skin. Something that he so desperately wants.
Something that I so desperately want him to feel.
Before I go.
Because I have to, don’t I?
Shut up in this cabin, with his arms around me at night, whispering about our babies, watching his love for them, it’s very easy to pretend. To dream. To think that yes, I’ll be one of three.
Three princesses.
That he will pamper for the rest of our lives.
That he will cherish and treasure.
But of course that’s not true.
There is ‘no rest of our lives,’ only four weeks.
Until my wedding.
And every day that passes, I get more and more convinced that I don’t want to get married. That I don’t want to leave here, leave him and marry someone I don’t love.
I don’t want to marry anyone period.
However, it’s not possible.
Especially when I have to go for my wedding dress fitting.
Something that hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to participate in. Especially when I told Ezra’s assistant, Alice, that she could contact my mother for any and all wedding details.
As expected, my mother has been very happy about it. So much so that she never even bothers to check anything with me and makes all the decisions by herself. Which kinda bothers Alice because she thinks that I should have a say in my own wedding. And therefore she sends me regular updates about what’s happening. Even after I told her that I don’t really care and that my mother knows best.
And the fact that I have to be involved in even this makes me want to vomit.
Because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle seeing myself in the mirror, wearing a white dress when I don’t even want to show up at the venue my mother had chosen.
Not to mention, I’m carrying twins.
Meaning my belly is growing at an alarming rate and it’s going to very hard to hide that from my mother.
At a fitting.
Although I shouldn’t have worried.
Because my mother defines self-absorbed and vain. While the whole bridal shop knows I’m pregnant — I told the salesgirl that it’s a secret and my mother is very old-fashioned, which she very enthusiastically accepted — my mother thinks that I’ve merely grown fat. And I should really watch what I eat until I get married.
“You don’t want to look all puffy in your wedding photos, do you?” she says after she insists that I have lunch with her.
I stab at the lettuce because again, she insisted that I have salad. “No, Mother.”
She looks at me critically. “And I do think you’re developing a double chin.”
“Well, sorry,” I say, clearly not sounding sorry at all.
Because I really don’t care.
I don’t.
The only person that I want liking my body does.
In fact he’s crazy about it, about my swollen tits and my rounded belly, and he proves it every single day.
So I don’t really care what my mother thinks.
Besides, my life’s falling apart right now. I just tried on dresses for my wedding.
The wedding that I don’t want to participate in.
I don’t give a fuck if I’m growing fat.
She sighs sadly. “Exercise and diet, my lovely. You need to go on a strict regimen. If you want I can hook you up with my yoga instructor.”
“The one I saw at the house?” I ask, recalling a sweaty muscular guy who was giving my mother looks.
“He’s very good.”
I smile that I’m sure comes out as a grimace. “I’ll think about it.”
Probably in another life, I add silently.
In this one, I want this stupid lunch to be over so I can resume my normal routine.
Which is to go see him.
Like nights, my mornings have a regular routine as well.
He leaves for practice early morning while I’m still in bed, where I lounge around for another hour or two. These days sleeping in always sounds like heaven. Then I wake up, eat breakfast because I’m always hungry and start prepping for lunch and then leave to go see him in the city.
Something that he didn’t like very much initially. And not only because he still thinks his teammates can’t stop looking at me but also because he thinks I’m super delicate and need to be treasured because I’m pregnant.
I simply rolled my eyes at him and kept on showing up.
I mean, I don’t go to his games ever since they started him back on the team because he doesn’t want me to — too crowded and dangerous — and there’s no way he’s budging on that so for this, he was the one to compromise. I do watch them on TV and call him though, after every game. And let me just say that I love watching him. Not only because he’s been doing so well since his comeback — they won against Arrow Carlisle’s team a few days back; oh and it was so fun to go to dinner with him and Salem — but because he’s just so alive on that field, see.
