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“Mostly because I didn’t have a loving family growing up. I didn’t have a nurturing mom and a loving dad. I was alone. I mean, I had my brother but he was alone too. We were both alone and… Where I come from, that’s normal. People aren’t concerned about trivial things like going on family vacations or doing family dinners. They are, but it’s not about the family per se but the status that it brings by vacationing in Paris or taking a private jet to the Bahamas. Or eating at the latest trendy restaurant that they can brag about to their friends. And I guess, I wanted my life to be different. I wanted more. And more in my world means real relationships. Love. Family and stuff like that. Stuff that makes you feel safe and secure. Happy.
“And to be honest, now that you know everything, I wanted all those things with you. I wanted to build a life with you.” I chuckle then; can’t help myself. “Oh my God, it sounds so… stupid right now. I mean, what was I thinking, right? Why did I ever think, even for a single second, that we could be together? I’ve read books with heroines that do really dumb shit and I guess I’m dumber than them. But anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that it’s my dream and I thought that if I ran after love, I’d catch it. I thought I’d put it in my pocket and keep it with me. But that’s not true, is it? So now I have a slightly modified dream. And it’s to have a baby. Just a baby though, nothing else.”
I want to pause here and take a breath but if I don’t get it all out now, I will never ever be able to say it, so I keep going. “And the reason I didn’t tell you right away was because I was afraid. I was scared that if I told you the truth, the whole truth, you’d run away. I know you came to me a year ago to do the same thing that I’m asking you to do now but your reasons were different. You wanted revenge and you wanted to use me to get it. I’m not sure what your plan was if I had in fact gotten pregnant, but I’m sure it wasn’t to live in holy matrimony, was it? I’m sure you would’ve found some way to contribute or whatever —”
“I would’ve stood by it. By you,” he says then.
Low and rough.
In a voice that sounds unused, barely existent.
I hear him though and it clenches my heart. “You t-thought about it?”
Something flickers in his gaze, something that I don’t understand but I think is super important to figure out for some reason. “Yeah.”
I’m floored right now.
I’m absolutely fucking floored.
Because I thought that the only thing on his mind back then was revenge. The only thing that he could feel was blazing and burning anger.
It didn’t even occur to me — not even as the remotest possibility — that he would’ve thought about anything else.
Especially about the consequences of his actions.
“It was going to be my baby,” he says in a gruff, raspy voice. “Mine. Of course I would’ve taken care of it, of her.”
“H-her?”
He jerks out a nod. A short but decisive one, an immediate nod like he doesn’t care if I know. He wants me to, in fact. “Her.”
Oh God.
Oh my God.
Is he saying that…
Is he saying that he even thought about the sex of the baby?
“I… I didn’t…”
I don’t know what to say.
But I realize it’s a good thing. I don’t need this right now.
I don’t need to think about him in any terms other than the fact that he’s the guy who broke my heart so he deserves what’s coming to him.
I don’t need to think about how in his head, it was a girl and how he’d already decided to take care of her.
“But again, that’s not the point,” I say, going against every grain of my instinct. “The point is that I want a baby. And I need to get over you. So I put two and two together. But I will understand if, knowing the whole truth, you don’t want to do this. It was convenient for me, but I’m sure I can find someone who —”
“No.”
“What?”
He finally unfolds his arms and fists them at his sides, his feet shoulder-width apart. “It’s going to be me.”
And finally, my heart starts to beat.
“Why?” I ask.
He mashes his teeth together, making the bones of his jaw and cheeks stand taut. Then, “Because you asked me for closure. You asked me to help you move on, and because I’m the one who broke your dream, I’m the one who hurt you, who crushed you, who gave you that ache in your chest... So I’m going to be the one to fix it. I’m going to be the one to give you what you want.”
