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“I tried not to dump this on you. I tried to be a friend and save you this shit. Look how you repay me. ”
Liam’s rage went from zero to zoom. He turned red, betrayal in his eyes. “You son of a bitch! You tell me all this now and pass it off as a favor? I would have been by your side in a heartbeat if you had bothered to fucking tell me. ”
“Well, as a friend, you should have asked why. And now you’ve taken Raine from me. What sort of friend does that? All I’ve got left is Shadows. You want that, too?” He jumped to his feet and fished the keys out of his pocket. “Here you go. Don’t come back to me for anything else. I don’t have a goddamn thing left to give you. ”
Liam’s eyes widened as he staggered upright. His mouth hung open as if Hammer had just punched him. “I don’t want those. ” He shoved the keys out of Hammer’s hand. They skittered across the floor. “Now what the fuck are you saying? That Juliet was my fault?”
“Damn straight,” Hammer roared, shoulders back, chest heaving.
“How do you figure that?” he railed in return. “I didn’t shove the pills down her throat. ”
“Besides not being there for her, you still hit the clubs, still fucked all the subs. She knew that, and it crushed her. ”
“She said that in her suicide note?”
“It was obvious. And she knew that you were hardly a monk while you were in Miami on business. I know exactly what you were doing the night of her birthday. Or who you were doing. How do you think that made her feel?”
Liam scowled. “We spent hours negotiating everything before we started sharing her. Exclusivity wasn’t part of the deal. She’d seen me with other women and never seemed to mind. ”
“Of course she minded,” Hammer shouted. “Do you think she liked feeling as if she wasn’t enough for you?”
Liam sent him a sharp glare. “And Juliet told you she felt this way? Or is this how you feel?”
“That’s great. Pin it on me. ” Hammer threw his hands in the air. “You’ve taken two women from me, but you won’t take an ounce of guilt. Perfect. ”
With fists clenched around the chair, Liam ground his teeth. “Fine. You want it to be all my fault? Okay, it is. It’s all my fucking fault. Juliet would have been beyond happy if I hadn’t agreed to your invitation, invaded your marriage, and fucked up your lives, so I’ll take every ounce of blame. Now you can sleep at night. Feel better?”
No, he didn’t, not one fucking bit. His whole body clenched in knots.
“Yeah,” he lied. “Your turn to carry this load around, asshole. And if you fuck up Raine too, I’ll rip your head off and shit down your throat. ”
“Trust me, I’ll take care of Raine. All day, all night, in every way she needs. ”
Hammer surged closer. “You barely know her. I might not have watched over her perfectly before you barged in, but she wouldn’t even tell you the date she should have gotten her period. I can damn well make her talk. She needs a strong Dom. She needs me. And if I get a chance to be with Raine again, you can bet your ass I’ll take it. ”
“It’s not enough that you hoard this secret, then lay it on my shoulders eight years too late. But you also spew out that you’ll fuck my Raine again, given the chance. I ought to shove your fucking balls up your ass and make sure the only way you can find them is with a toothpick. ”
Hammer opened his mouth to rage back, but the door pushed open suddenly. Raine stepped in, squinting against the light. She surveyed the damage with a frown, her hair pulled haphazardly away from her pale face. The ancient T-shirt she wore looked at least four sizes too big and swallowed her up.
With a pained frown, she stared at them both as if they’d lost their minds. “What’s going on? Why are you shouting?”
Liam glared at him, then scooped Raine up in his arms. “It’s nothing, love. Let’s get you back to bed. I’ll come with you. ”
Hammer could only watch the other man take the woman he loved away, maybe this time for good.
Two hours later, Hammer sat on the edge of his bed, swirling a tumbler of Scotch, his thoughts circling like the amber liquid. He’d lost the grip of his icy control in the kitchen with Liam. Why the hell had he suddenly unloaded years of anger and dumped it on the man? Had he expected Liam to magically wash away the layers of blame and make everything better? Hammer scoffed. By finally vomiting out the truth, he’d managed to purge a lot of resentment. Why didn’t he feel any better? He should have confronted Liam and his own guilt years ago. He just hadn’t had the balls to wade through the shit. He really didn’t want to now.
“Mind if I join you?”
Hammer zipped his stare to the doorway to find Beck leaning against the frame, his arms folded across his chest, eyeing the decanter of Scotch on the nightstand.
“Help yourself. ” Hammer nodded, raising his glass in the air, toasting his own stupidity. “What are you doing here? I thought you’d taken everyone back to your place for beer and football. ”
“We caught the last half of the game, then they all bailed. I came back to see if the club was still standing. What the fuck, man? I don’t think I’ve ever sat through a more uncomfortable Thanksgiving. What do you have planned for next year, pissing in the gravy?”
Hammer issued a humorless chuckle. “You missed the fun part. ”
“Yeah, I kind of figured. When I couldn’t find anyone, I peeked in the kitchen. ” Beck gave a low whistle. “It looks like World War Wedgwood hit that place. So who won?” Beck asked, cocking a brow as he pulled up a chair across from Hammer and took a seat.
“No one. ” Hammer sighed in disgust. “I royally fucked up, man. ”
Beck swallowed down a healthy gulp of Scotch and hissed. “What did you do this time?”
Hammer filled the sadist in on all the ugly details as he refilled their glasses.
When he was done, Hammer closed his eyes. He could still see Juliet’s pale, naked body lying on their bed. Her blonde tresses spilled out over the gray silk sheets; white foam congealed around her blue lips. Her eyes were open, lifeless, staring past him as if he wasn’t there. And he hadn’t been when she’d taken her own life. When the world had crumbled beneath Juliet’s feet, she’d given up, welcoming the end without him.
“I should have told Liam how much guilt I was drowning in a long time ago. But I didn’t. ” Hammer rubbed at his forehead. “He was so young, and I thought I was protecting him because he wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. Besides, she was my wife. Liam had signed up for sex and good times, not…all that. I didn’t know how to cope, so I shut down. I shouldered all the responsibility for her death. When he moved on to a normal life and got married, I resented the fuck out of him. I just kept getting more and more pissed off. I ended up blaming him for pretty much everything. ”
“You’re a dumbass. ” Beck shook his head.
“Yep. ” Hammer groused, then downed the contents of his glass and filled it once more. “I accused him of helping to push Juliet over the edge because he frequently fucked other subs. ”
“Is that true?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. ” Hammer sighed. “She never told me how she felt. About anything. ”
“You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought. You blame Liam for maybe upsetting Juliet because he couldn’t keep his pants zipped. But you know your manwhoredom crushed Raine and you didn’t take responsibility for that one whit. Really, dude?”
“I know. I was just pissed as hell and looking for a way to unload my guilt. ” Shaking his head, he swirled the liquid in his glass and watched it turn. “What Juliet did completely shell-shocked me. I didn’t have a fucking clue how to deal with it. I sure as hell couldn’t bring myself to examine my own role too closely. Blaming him was easier. ”
“Are you examining it now?”
“I’m trying not to. Hence the Scotch,” Hammer replied, then tossed back a healthy swig.
“Yeah, that’ll really do the trick,” Beck drawl
ed.
“No, it won’t. Trust me. I’ve tried for years. ” But that didn’t stop him from pouring another. He tipped back the glass in a futile attempt to wipe away the memory. Sure, it numbed his guilt, but never eradicated the stain from his soul.
“So maybe you should stop trying to drown your crap. Dissect it and then let it go. Hell, who knows, you just might end up a happier son of a bitch. ”
“What makes you think I’m not happy?”
“Gee, I have no clue. ” Beck shook his head. “You’ve got to come clean with Liam. ”
“Why would I do that after he stole Raine?”
“Stole? Let’s cut the shit, shall we?” Beck leaned in and narrowed his eyes. “You owe Liam an apology. And then you need to pull your balls out of your purse, cupcake, and tell Raine how you feel about her. See what happens. ”
“Don’t you have a home to go back to?” He glared, nursing his drink.
“Aww, but digging in your head is a lot more fun. ” He slapped Hammer on the shoulder. “Besides, you need a friend who’s not afraid to put a stop to your big ol’ boo-hoo pity party. ”
Hammer winced. “Don’t hold back, Beck. Tell me how you really feel. ”
“I’m trying. Pull your head out of your ass, unless you enjoy the smell. If you didn’t tell Liam anything about Juliet’s death, how could you expect him to take half the blame?”
“She killed herself, and he never asked why. What the hell?”
“What would you have done in Liam’s shoes? The woman you’re sharing in an open relationship offs herself, and her husband won’t talk to you. ”
Hammer drained his glass, wishing he could strangle Beck for such an ugly goddamn question. “I guess…” He sighed. “Fuck, if I’d been Liam, that would have been my sign to keep out. He said he didn’t want to pry, but I think he blamed me. ”
“But he didn’t tell you that?”
“No. ”
“So you’re assuming?”
“Shut up, Freud. ” He poured more Scotch. “You’re a vascular surgeon, not a shrink. ”
Beck shrugged. “I did my nine weeks’ psych rotation. I’m almost qualified. ”
“Then why don’t you examine your own life? There’s plenty of shit there. ”
“Nah. I’m screwed up, but not nearly as much as you. ” Beck chuckled.
“Fuck off. ”
“Seriously. Stop drowning in your booze and go apologize to Liam. ”
“He won’t listen to a damn thing I have to say, especially after I told him I’d fuck Raine again when I got the chance. ”
“And you decided to pour gasoline on the fire, why? Weren’t the flames hot enough for you?” Beck shook his head. “You’ve got way too much pride, Macen, and it’s biting you in the ass. ”
“It’s not the first time. ”
“And probably not the last. ” Beck paused. “What drew you both to Juliet? What was she like?”
Hammer sloshed back another stiff swig. “Quiet. Refined. Proper. She was a lady. The downside was, she didn’t like conflict or confrontation. ”
“I just can’t see you with a quiet girl. You need the challenge of a spitfire sub. ” He cocked his head. “Like Raine. ”
Hammer winced. “I know. Her sassy attitude makes me want to smack her ass and fuck her breathless. I can’t get her out of my blood. I’ve tried. ”
“Too bad you haven’t tried being honest with everyone. ”
“There’s the door, fucker. ” Hammer pointed. “I didn’t invite you in to unravel me. I’m not one of your pain sluts. ”
“So you’re going to shove me out, like Liam. Newsflash for you: I don’t have a dog in this hunt. I don’t care what you do, except that I’d like to see my friend smile once a decade. We don’t have to talk about a damn thing. We can get staggering drunk, then you can deal with your own mess tomorrow. And while you’re at it, stop badgering Raine for not communicating because you’re no better. ”
Yeah, Beck just kept digging in his head and figuring all his shit out. Wasn’t this fun? Hammer downed the last of the liquid in his glass. Beck snatched it away.
“I hate you. ” Hammer scowled.
The other man laughed. “Good, then I’m doing my job. We drinking or talking?”
“Talking,” he conceded, shaking his head.
“Happy to hear it. Now tell me how Juliet went from good girl to sex slave for you two?”
“I got off on pushing her past her comfort zone. It was like pure power pumping through my veins, and it fed the fuck out of the beast inside me. So I kept pushing and pushing…”
