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I swallow hard. I’ve carried this for years. It’s time I make some sense of this situation. I look down at the ring again. Plus, I owe him an answer.
"My parents met in college. A story similar to the one I share with Mateo except my parents eloped defying my grandparents once they learned she was pregnant with me. And like you, Hunter," I lock eyes with her, "my grandparents laid down an ultimatum. Antonio Martinez or her family."
"Why would they make her choose between her husband and family?" Harper asks, gathering my hands beneath the table. I glance over and smile through my tears.
"Originally because my father is Mexican." The words scrape out in a hushed whisper hanging between us. Mortification grips my throat. Ashamed and embarrassed, I drop my head. "My Black grandfather forbad my mother from marrying that Mexican man. Is how he put it? And how dare she bring home his wetback baby." Tears sting my eyes. It's the first time I'm vocalizing the source of my torn existence. That's all I've ever been was her mistake.
The tears race down my face, and I can't stop them. "Then, he found a way to separate them. He used his money and power to dig into my father's past. He learned my father's family is connected to the Mexican cartel. My grandfather used that piece of information and his power to get my father promptly deported. I was left to live as the evidence of my mother daring to defy my grandfather’s orders.”
A chill of numbness tempers my pain. I realize my mother was a victim of her love for my father. A love she let go the way I let Mateo go. What if my grandfather jeopardized Mateo’s career?
I couldn’t ruin his life. So, I served the penalty of our love I let him go satisfying my grandfather’s and my mother’s requests.
I twist the ring around my finger, trying to tuck these feelings back in the box. Memories of my grandfather's harsh words and my mother's compliance are the lens that color my entire childhood and my belief that love is conditional. That I had to find a Black man with a professional career, and my family had to approve. Until I found my guys and Mateo.
"That's why I love you guys so much." Pain shoots through my heart, and I fold over, letting my pants collect my tears. The table is moved back, and I'm cocooned in a huddle of love.
"Let it go, sweetie," Harper whispers.
So, I do. My silent cry collides with my buried rage, sending my body into a violent fit of shakes. My battles with isolation, self-hate, and inadequacy have been my constant companions since childhood. My body feels as if it's on fire. But I've learned to not release the slightest whimper because I wouldn't give my mother and grandfather the satisfaction of seeing me break.
The guys hold me until it passes, I sit back, and there's not a single dry eye. Hunter is huddle in front of me with Charlee and Taylor on either side. Ryann and Harper flank me leaving Parker, Jordan, and Payton to enclose our sister circle within a secure embrace.
Makeup is smeared. Noses are runny.
"I pay too damn much for this beer for these hard-ass napkins."
A whisper of silence cuts through our circle before a fit of laughter chases away the pain. I laugh and laugh, falling back in the seat, holding my stomach.
"Charlee, you should be a standup comedian with your crazy ass." Payton chuckles, removing her leather Steel Ryders jacket.
"Speaking of crazy, I think we should make a wish." Jordan peaks through with a dreamy smile on her face. "I know it sounds crazy, but think about it. Each of us found our true loves on holidays. Hunter found Ben on Valentine's Day. Then Harper and Liam on St. Patrick's Day."
“That sexy-ass Irish man.”
“Drool over your own husband.” Harper swats at Charlee.
“I don’t want him. That, my dear, is a fact.”
The laughter rolls through us again, and I think about Jordan's words. "So, a Christmas wish?"
“Why not?” Jordan adds. “If I found my prince on Halloween, why can’t we all?”
"Because I don't like what my grandfather did to my mother, but if she finds out I'm seeing Mateo again, they'll disown me. It's like she's turned into my grandfather times ten. I won't do that to him."
“So, you’re going to decline Mateo’s offer?” Hunter asks.
“No, he needs my help.” I keep the details private because he didn’t give me permission to share them. “I’ll accept his mentorship and stay in New York until my task is complete.”
“That doesn’t sound like a wise plan. You still love the guy.” Ryann adds. “I tried to ignore my love for X, and it was useless.”
"Sometimes you have to take a chance," Parker adds.
“This is not a chance I’m willing to risk.” I think about Mateo’s kiss and add for the record. “And I can’t sleep with him again. The man kissed me today and…”
"Ahhh, shyte now! He had you all hot and bothered?" Charlee does her infamous shoulder shake, and I can't imagine life without this or them.
“Yes, hot, bothered, and horny. But I can’t cross that line.” I cut through the air.
