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You can’t control everything.
Well, that’s fucking stupid.
I close my eyes again. Another few breaths, then I walk out to the living room. Panic surges through me again when I see Amelia in the kitchen.
Is this our future? Is this the beginning of the end? That thought is too fucking much and my chest tightens again. Tears try to creep into my eyes, but I shut them tight again, holding the tears back.
“Miles…” I open my eyes at the sound of her voice. She’s looking up at me, uncertain and concerned. She rests her hands on my arms as she looks into my eyes. “Are you having a panic attack?”
I stare at her for a beat. How the fuck can she care about that when she wants space? I don’t fucking get it, and standing here like this is killing me.
I quickly step back, then move around her. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not—”
“Neither are you,” I bite back. “That’s why you need space, right?”
She looks down. “Right.”
“Please take care of yourself. Keep eating. Drinking. And if you need anything…” Emotion clogs my throat and the tears I fought back are relentless now. “Call me. Any time. No matter what, I’ll be here.”
She nods. “I know. Um, take care of yourself, too.”
“I’ll be fine.”
Then I turn and walk out the door because if I stay another second, I’ll fall apart. The second I’m alone in the hallway, the weight of this settles over me. I never wanted this. I thought I’d be the one to get it right. I was terrified to even consider a serious relationship for so long because I knew the risk of putting my heart out there. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to face this misery.
Misery is not what I’m looking for.
I remember saying that to Rae back when she and Aaron were broken up and she asked me if I wanted to fall in love one day.
Then she said,“The thing is, when it’s not misery, it’s the best thing in the whole damn world.”
She might’ve been right about that, but when misery is all you can feel, it’s hard to believe you can make your way out of it to something better again.
I’m numb as I ride down in the elevator, tuning out the rest of the world. I walk through the underground parking garage toward my car on autopilot, working hard to keep all my pieces together until I’m in a safe place to break.
When I get to my car, I stop, bracing my hand against the driver’s side door and taking a few breaths.I need to get somewhere safe.
Climbing into my car, I chuck my duffel in the passenger seat, then quickly pull out of the parking garage. Once I’m on the road, I realize I don’t know where the hell to go. I don’t want to go to my parents’ house because I want Amelia to feel safe going there. I could go to Mackie’s, but even though she has her own apartment now, it’s only one bedroom. I don’t think I could fit on her couch if I tried. That leaves Rae and Aaron or Sarah and Joel. I don’t want to think or figure this out. Making decisions is overwhelming right now, so on autopilot I drive around town. Down little side streets, to the edge of town and back again as rain drizzles against my windshield. I hate this. I want to go home. I want to wrap my arms around my girl and—
A loud pop pulls me out of my thoughts. Then there’s grinding and clunking and—fuck me.
I slam my blinker on and pull over, then climb out of the car and walk around to the passenger side as rain drizzles down on me. The front passenger tire is obviously flat. I squat down and run my finger over it, finding a massive rusty screw sticking out.
Amazing.
Grumbling, I stalk around to the driver’s side of the car again, pop the lever for the trunk, then go grab the spare, jack, and tire iron.
As I rest the spare tire against the passenger side door, the sky opens up.
Fucking perfect.
I stare up at the sky, then look down at the deflated tire.
The girl I love crushed my heart. Now I’m stranded in the middle of a rainstorm until I fix this goddamn tire.
As the cold October rain soaks me to the bone, I look down at the tire iron in my hand and consider bludgeoning myself with it.
