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The words feel strange coming off my tongue.One day.Off in the future when I have my shit together. And I fix things with Miles. Because he’s in that picture, too. Maybe another kid.
I realize I’m standing in the center of the kitchen and snap out of it.
“Would you like to stay for dinner?” I ask, then I shake my head. “I don’t know why I asked that. I’m sure you need to get home to Rae.”
He smiles gently. “Rae and Sarah are having sister time tonight, which I’m fairly certain means they’re sitting in bed eating sushi and cookie dough.”
“Sounds right.”
“I’d love to stay, but I don’t want to take all your food.” I laugh and throw the door to the refrigerator open. “Oh, wow.”
“Yeah… Katie went a little overboard.”
He walks over to me. “I can see that. I guess I didn’t need to bring you food.”
“If there’s spicy chicken chowder and grilled cheese in that bag, you absolutely did.”
He chuckles. “You’ll find them both in there. Anything from here you want to go with it?”
I tilt my head, mentally going through everything in the fridge. “There’s Caesar salad and maybe some chicken parm wouldn’t hurt, either.”
“Perfect. You sit down, I’ll warm things up.”
“I invited you to stay, not cater to me.”
He side-eyes me. “Too bad. Sit down at the counter and point out plates and bowls.”
“Only if you get two glasses and let me fill them with water first.” I nod toward the cabinet they’re in.
He pulls them out and hands them to me. I quickly fill them, then sit down at the kitchen counter while directing him to plates and bowls.
Once the food is warmed, he sits down as well, and I let out a happy moan when the soup hits my mouth. “So good,” I mumble.
“Marion’s is classic comfort food.”
“Food to heal the soul, right?” I need that about now.
“How are you doing?”
I lift one shoulder in a shrug. “I don’t know. Messy is my favorite word for it at the moment.”
“Been there.” He takes a bite of his chicken parm, and I open my mouth to speak but hesitate. I don’t want to overstep. “If you have something to say or ask me, go for it.”
“This might sound weird, but I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you, but I felt weird texting you, and since Miles is staying with you, I didn’t want to just show up—”
He puts his hand over mine, stopping my string of nonsense. “You can always text me. I’m here to help however I can.”
I swallow another bite of soup, then spin on my stool. “At girls’ night, Rae was talking about the hard times you two went through and your breakup. She mentioned you had a hard time letting her in when you were struggling.”
He sets his fork down and nods. “Yeah. You said messy was your favorite word. Well, I’ve been there. I was lost and hurting and didn’t know how to fix myself—or maybe didn’t want to figure it out. I pushed everyone I loved away because I was afraid of hurting them and thought they couldn’t help me. Or that I didn’t deserve their help. The worst of it was with Rae. I shut down with her and refused to talk to her about what was hurting me. Which ended up hurting us. I was angry, using drinking to cope. Not my proudest moments.”
“Yet here you are now. Married to Rae, and you two seem to have a strong, healthy relationship.”
“We do, but it took—and continues to take—work. We had to learn to trust each other. She had to stop running from me, and I had to let her in.”
“How did you do that?”
“I hit my personal rock bottom. I got blackout drunk at a party before midnight. Rae took me back to the dorm even though we weren’t together and sat with me while I threw up. I decided I couldn’t keep going like that. She asked me to talk to her about everything. To let her in—not for her, but for me. I almost said no, but in that moment, I had a choice. Keep going down that dark path and lose the people I loved along the way, or be brave enough to let her in. I thought it would hurt or break me to finally face it all—and don’t get me wrong, it was a hard conversation—but it helped. It brought more relief than I was expecting and gave me the courage to move forward. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of humility and grace for yourself, but I’m grateful I did it. And I wish I would’ve found the strength to do it sooner.”
