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Ihatethisfeeling.It’s been a while since I’ve felt it, but the familiarity is undeniable. It’s like I’m being ripped apart from the inside out. It was somewhere between the doctor asking a bunch of questions about the timing of my last period and him ordering a pelvic exam that I realized what was happening. He hasn’t said it yet, but I know.
I’m having a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. Other than my period being late, I didn’t have any symptoms. At least, I didn’t think I did. I’m still on birth control. It never even occurred to me, and now…
I pull my knees up to my chest, crying into them as a nurse types away in the corner.
The door swings open, and I know without looking that it’s Aaron. I don’t know how to look at him—tell him.
He slides onto the side of the bed, leaning back and running his thumb down my arm.
“Beautiful…” he whispers.
I wipe my eyes and look over at him, heart breaking all over again when I see the pain in his eyes. “I think…” My chest heaves and I wrap my arms around my stomach. “I think I’m—”
“I know,” he whispers, not making me say it. “I know.”
He pulls me against him, wrapping both arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter against his chest, wishing I could burrow into him and escape this pain.
“Don’t you dare.” His firm, insistent voice makes me lift my head from his chest. “You have nothing to be sorry for. This isnotyour fault.”
“But…” my bottom lip pops out, trembling as I fight back more tears.
“No buts.” He brushes his thumb over my lip. “Put that away.” He sniffs and shakes his head. “You can hurt all you want, but you will not take on any blame. Do you understand me?”
I nod against his chest, crying again. He holds me tighter. Of course, this is the moment the door opens again. I snap my head up, and meet the doctor’s gaze, waiting to hear the words I already know.
Knowing them doesn’t stop his words from feeling like a punch to the gut. They knock the wind out of me, breaking me down more as he tells us I’m experiencing a mild to moderate hemorrhage from the miscarriage, and I’ll need to have a procedure called dilation and curettage done to stop it.
“I’m sorry,” he says genuinely. “Anesthesiology will be in to talk with you in a little while. Until then… take some time together.”
He gives a quick nod, then he and the nurse walk out of the room. The second they’re gone, I shatter.
Aaron rubs my back and kisses my head. “It’s going to be okay. Do you need anything? Water? Can you have water? More pillows?”
I lean away from him and stare at him. He’s stone-faced, and I know what he’s doing. He’s burying his own feelings to support me, and that isnotwhat I need. I need him.
“Stop,” I cry as he messes with my pillow. He stops moving and stares at me. “Just stop. I know you’re trying to keep it together for me, but that’s not what I need right now.” I choke on my words as they slip out between sobs. “We’re losing a baby. Our baby. Please don’t make me go through this alone. Be here with me.”
When he doesn’t say anything, I look up at him, but then I realize he didn’t say anything because he’s crying.
“Ace…” I run my hand through his beard and up the side of his cheek. He leans into my touch, tears flowing down his cheeks.
I curl against him, my arm around his waist as he rests his hand on my stomach. My heart aches, and even though nothing fixes it, at least I’m wrapped in Aaron’s arms. If I have to suffer through this, at least I have him by my side.
“Whenever you’re ready, we can bring Sky over for some doggy snuggles,” Sarah says, resting her head against mine. “They don’t fix everything, but they really help.”
“Mm. Yes, please. I love that you have a dog. Mostly because I want the fun parts of having a dog, but none of the effort of having one.”
“You’re so Mom,” Sarah says with a smile.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“Love you too, Rae baby.”
Anesthesiology and two more nurses have been in to talk with me to get things ready for my procedure. Sarah and Joel are in here now doing their best to distract me. Mom texted a little while ago that they’re here and they love me and will see me later. Technically, Sarah and Joel aren’t supposed to be back here, but we’ve had a few kind nurses who have looked the other way.
I’m still miserable, but I’m trying not to focus on my heartache right now. Aaron and I held each other and cried until the anesthesiologist came in. I swear, all anesthesiologists are angels. They’re always cracking jokes and trying to take your mind off things. I know I’m going to break again once I’m home, but I’d rather do it while cuddled in bed with my husband, tacos, and my sick movie—The Great Race.
