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“What other thing?” Aaron asks as I grab a container and fill it with treats to take home.
“I’ll tell you in a minute.”
I walk over and kiss Rae on the cheek, then smack Aaron on the shoulder. “Have fun.”
Then I walk quickly to the back door, assuming they’ll be half-naked before I’m out of the driveway.
They went through hell to get there, but I hope my relationship will be as strong as theirs is one day.
Amelia
“Are you ready?” Miles asks me, squeezing my hand as we walk in the entrance to the nursing home.
“As I ever am.”
My throat feels tight and I want to plant my feet right here, rooting me to the ground. It didn’t used to be this hard. I hated seeing my mother trapped in her own body, lost and confused, but I’d learned to live with it. Now every time I see her, my heart hurts more. It makes me not want to come. How shitty of a daughter am I? She’s living in a constant state of confusion or delirium. It’s too hard for me? Would I want my daughter to stop visiting me? Or Miles?
I grip his hand a little tighter as the elevator doors close, that thought sinking in. Is this his future too? One where he’ll come and see me every day and I won’t know who he is? He’d do it, no question, but what kind of life is that for him?
“Baby,” Miles says, his deep voice piercing through me. His arm is blocking the elevator doors so I can walk out.
“Sorry,” I mutter, then walk off the elevator. He follows and takes my hand again.
“Are you okay?”
Nope.
“Just nervous.” I swallow hard. “I want to get a version of her that’s excited about this.”
He stops and turns to face me, wrapping one large hand around the side of my neck. “I know, but if for some reason we don’t, we can always try again. At some point, she’ll be excited, especially based on how excited she gets talking about our ‘wedding.’ Imagine how happy she’ll be the first time she gets to hold her granddaughter. Even if she doesn’t fully understand, she’ll be thrilled.”
His words are meant to be comforting, but they aren’t because I hadn’t thought of that. Not for a second. I haven’t been able to think past the current moment to imagine her seeing our baby for the first time—holding her. Tears crest in my eyes, but I use all my willpower to hold them back. Compartmentalize and breathe. I have to do that. If I don’t, I won’t be able to go in there and see her without thinking about all she’ll miss with our baby growing up and our daughter won’t get to know the funny, kind, caring, mischievous woman I grew up with. She’ll never hear my mother read her stories or know the warmth of her hug.
Compartmentalize right now.
“Ames, if this is too much, we don’t have to do it tonight.”
“Yes, we do.” I shove it all into the dark corner in the back of my mind and close the door. I will be present as her daughter and share this with her. Then I will take whatever version of her I get tonight and do the best I can with it.
Deep breath and go.
Without another word, I squeeze Miles’s hand and lead the way down the hall to the unit.
When we get inside, the nurse on tonight, Michele, greets us. “Hello! Ah, I love that sweet bump of yours. I have good news. Your mom is having a great day today. She’s probably only got about an hour left before she’ll be getting ready for bed, but she’s had a good day.”
A brief flutter of hope dances in my heart. “Great. Thank you.”
“Of course. She’s over in the sitting area. Let us know if you need anything.”
“We will. Thank you,” Miles says, wrapping his arm around me and guiding me over to the sitting area. He’s in make-everything-better mode right now, even though there’s not much he can do at this point besides roll with the punches.
“Amelia,” my mom says, smiling as we walk over. She’s fussing with the fraying edge of the blanket on her lap. “If I just had my sewing kit. Do you think one of those sweet girls would let me borrow theirs?”
I lean down and kiss her cheek. “I’m not sure if they have any, Mom. But maybe you could tell them about it before you go to bed.”
She nods, but keeps playing with the loose strings.
Reaching over, I squeeze her hand. “So, Mom… we have something to tell you.”
