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“Oh, I have an idea,” Dani says. She gets up and runs over to her purse. She comes back with a hairbrush. “We are going to pass this around. Whoever holds the hairbrush shares something they’ve been through. I’ll start. My fiancé decided he didn’t actually want to be with me and I closed off my heart and almost let my insecurities ruin my chances with an amazing man. Who’s next?”
Rae holds out her hand. “I was sexually assaulted at a party during my junior year of high school. I closed off and refused to let anyone in. And there’s a whole lot more messiness solely from the early days of my relationship with Aaron—how I’d push him away and not communicate. Messy is a great word for who I’ve been—and who I can still be sometimes.”
She hands the hairbrush to Sarah. “My biological mother neglected me as a child and left me with so much trauma I never really healed from it. When she and my biological father tried to come back into my life, everything blew up and I overdosed because I couldn’t cope. That was less than a year ago. Hot mess express and still healing.”
I watch as Amanda takes the hairbrush next. “I’ve been insecure my whole life. My upbeat personality and outgoing nature hide that, but I always have been. Though it’s gotten better the last few years, they came out swinging when Jamie and I hit a rough patch last year. I still deal with them daily—and with impostor syndrome. Some part of me always thinks I’m not measuring up to everyone else around me.”
My eyes drift to Chelsea, who takes a big breath. “I was raped at a party in college. For a long time, I didn’t even want to go back to that town. I still feel like I have cracks in my soul because of it, and it took time for me to trust anyone enough to let them truly help me heal. That’s still a work in progress.” She takes another big breath and a slight smile forms. “Especially now that I’m pregnant.”
“Oh my god!” Hyla squeals. “Yes! The news is finally out!”
“Really?” Amanda yells.
Chelsea nods. “Yeah. We sort of just decided one night, and it happened…”
She looks at Rae, who reaches over and squeezes her hand. “Still unbelievably happy for you,” she says, though there are tears in her eyes. She clears her throat. “See? I’m still a little messy.”
“Me too,” Chelsea says. “I’ll take any tips you want to give me or if you just want to bitch about hormones and nausea, I’m in for that, too.”
“It’s a wild ride,” I say, “but it can be amazing, too. Miles got to feel her kick for the first time tonight.”
Chelsea’s hands drop to her stomach. “I can’t wait for that. Hopefully soon.”
“Wait, how far along are you?” Mackenzie asks.
“Almost twelve weeks. We waited a bit. I’m just happy you guys know now. It was killing me to keep it a secret.”
“I am still so insanely happy for you two. I’m going to be an aunt!” Hyla says.
“Well, damn. All kinds of revelations tonight,” Dani says.
“On that note…” Sarah nods toward Mackenzie, who grabs the hairbrush from Chelsea.
“Right. My turn. Okay… I have watched and supported all these incredible women through the hard times they’ve faced. For me, my biggest hardship is how lost I feel right now. While everyone else moves forward in their lives, I feel stuck, like I’m standing still as the world spins on around me. I don’t always show it, but self-doubt has really crept in lately, and it’s left me feeling pretty messy on the inside.”
She swallows, then turns to Hyla. There’s a moment of pained silence between them, their eyes locked as Mackie hands Hyla the brush. She quickly grabs Hyla’s free hand and squeezes tightly.
“I tried to kill myself.” Her voice is cracked, wrenched with emotion, and her words hang in the air, slowly permeating each of us. “I was lost and broken and felt unwanted and unloved.” She laughs lightly through her tears and looks around the room. “Crazy, right? All this love, and yet I couldn’t feel it. My mental health was in such a horrible place, I couldn’t feel this wealth of endless love. It took a lot of work to be where I am, and I keep working every single day to stay healthy.” Her voice breaks. “I would not be here without this tribe of women to support me, encourage me, and love me through it.” She sniffs and looks at me. Tears trickle down my cheeks as the weight of these shared heartbreaks, struggles, and losses settles on the room. “I hope you know we’re not telling you all this to make you feel like your pain isn’t important. We want you to know it is. It’s okay to struggle. Mental health is fickle, and it can change quickly. Honoring it and working through our struggles is how we heal.” She looks at Sarah and smiles. “How we spiral up. Because that’s what we do here. With a lot of mistakes, grace, and support from each other, we always spiral up.”
She hands me the hairbrush, and I take it, letting out a shaky breath. “My dad died when I was seventeen. My mom has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t understand who I am or what’s going on a lot of the time. I have a whole host of trust and love issues, and I’m still trying to figure out what’s wrong and how to heal it. Some days I don’t want to. I want to hide, even though I know I shouldn’t.” Letting out a sigh, I hand the brush back to Dani, who sets it on the couch.
Hyla takes my hand, and all the girls scooch closer until we’re in a circle—some on the floor and some on the couch—holding hands.
“Let us help you while you figure it all out. We’re your team, your tribe, your support system. And when we tell you we’ve got you, know that it’s because we’reneverletting you go.”
With a long sigh, I nod. “Thank you.”
Our circle gets smaller as everyone crowds around me in a group hug. For the first time, I don’t feel overwhelmed. I’m supremely thankful and deeply honored to have this safe space full of messy women who help each other rise from the depths.
Miles
I’m exhausted when I get home from the cabin, which is where we all were tonight. It’s close to midnight, and I’m stripping as I walk down the hall, ready to fall into bed with my girl. Mackie messaged me earlier and mentioned that they were moving girls’ night to our place because Amelia was having a rough night. I was both surprised and not. It’s easy to see she’s been struggling, but I’m surprised she was open about it since she hasn’t been with me. I’m trying not to read too much into that.
The master is dark as I walk in, and I toss my dirty clothes toward the hamper, then climb into bed, barefoot in only my boxers. I’ll probably hate myself when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night since the air conditioner is set to arctic temperatures, but that’s future me’s problem.
Sliding under the covers, I curl my body around Amelia’s and kiss her neck.
“Hey, baby daddy,” she whispers, her voice clear and not like she just woke up for a moment. She rolls over and looks up at me.
