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I was tongue-tied, looking at true beauty for the first time ever, and as we got to know her over the last few days, her beauty only increased because she’s real. Sometimes, you see beautiful places, but they hide horrible pasts and secrets or never live up to the hype, but she does.
Because she’s flawed.
Because she’s real.
I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else. There haven’t been many, being so exposed to another person never really interested me, but I took part as rites of tradition and after bad missions to try and forget.
It never worked until her.
One look into her eyes and I don’t remember the bad things I’ve done to get here. I don’t remember my nightmares. I feel alive. I feel seen. I feel whole. She’s just so full of life, where I am drained of it from the lives we have led and the lives that stain my soul. She shines a light on me, though, and when she smiles at me, I feel a spark of humanity seeping back into me.
It's a spark I’m beginning to crave. I only feel alive, feel human, around her. Raff is right, this is dangerous, but I have my own selfish reasons for wanting us to keep this job and be close to her. I might never get to touch her like Raff or Astro, who is already smitten, but that doesn’t matter. Being around that much life is addictive. I’ve never thought about love or relationships. Astro is different. He loves women, he loves happiness and the idea of love, but me? Not so much. I’m considered too evil for that.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand it through her lyrics.
Another of my secrets.
I’m her biggest fan. Her music got me through some very bad times, and now I’ve met the woman behind the lyrics. She was reaching out into the world and calling for me, and now I’m here.
I’m not leaving.
Turning, I spot her standing in the window of her room. She clearly hasn’t seen me yet. She’s wrapped in a sheet, her eyes sad as she stares out at the city. She looks so alone, so isolated and lost that my heart aches. Didn’t I used to see that look in my reflection every single day?
How can a woman so full of life, who can produce such raw and honest lyrics that it makes my ruined heart beat, feel so alone? She deserves everything—the perfect life, happiness, friends, and lovers—yet here she stands alone.
Just like me, another lost soul is reaching out into the darkness.
Her eyes drift down, and when they land on me, she freezes. I let her know with just a look that I see her. I see her struggle and I understand. For a moment, her eyes soften before they shutter, becoming guarded.
She drops the sheet, turns, and struts away. It gets the reaction she wants, igniting my desire, but my heart aches for her. She’s so used to needing to turn her emotions to desire to hide the truth that she doesn’t know how to be real unless it’s in a song. She hides her fear of trusting anyone with her heart behind her incredible body, but I see it.
I see her.
“Dal,” Raff calls from inside, standing in the light.
The man might be our leader, but we chose to follow him, and no matter how dark he thinks his soul is for the things he has done in the name of our country, it doesn’t compare to the things I have done. I follow him out of respect, out of brotherhood, or the name of it. It never really meant much to me until now. I’m starting to understand it and the attachment others have to me.
Is this what it feels like to care?
Heading inside, I stop before him and wait for him to explain what he wants. Once, there would have been a slice of unease as he looked at me. Out of all of them, he’s the only one who truly knows even half of what I am capable of.
“Are we right for doing this?”
“In what way?” I respond.
“For staying. Should we report that we can’t do this job anymore and move on?”
“Why?” I can tell he’s worried, but I won’t understand why until he explains it.
“Because I’m worried that by staying, it will pull us apart. Astro is already attached, Cillian too. If we stay, will it ruin us? I don’t want them to get hurt or for our unit to be fractured.”
Ah, I understand. It’s tactical. He needs us to be a unit, but if she comes between us, we can’t be that. “I think she might be good for us. We have been working without truly caring for a very long time. Astro may be attached, but it’s good.”
His eyebrows rise at my response. Grinning, I slap his shoulder like I have seen the others do, copying the movement since I know it conveys friendship and relaxes him. “It will be fine. We are smart, and we’ve been in much worse situations. How about we simply play out the mission, day to day, for once?”
“You know I hate doing that,” he grumbles.
“I know, but sometimes, sir, you simply have to roll with it and expect the unexpected, and Reign Harrow? She is the most unexpected thing in this world. You will never control that, so don’t even try.” I start to walk away when he calls out to me. I planned to lurk outside of her room, simply needing to be close to her.
