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“The man’s…Jesus.”
“Kanan, you didn’t…hit on him, did you?”
“No,” I laughed. “It’s tempting, but no. He offered me a job and his guesthouse for the duration of it. Good pay, a place to live, benefits…”
“Shit, now I feel like an ass. I didn’t offer benefits.”
I waved that on and said, “I work a couple nights a month for you, Burke. I wouldn’t expect benefits and you let me live here all month long. No, it’s different. I met the kid. He’s not as bad as I thought he’d be. He’s lonely, caged into a small town, few friends, I’m guessing.”
“You like the dad, the kid, the house, I’m guessing. I’ve never seen the place, but I’ve heard it’s nice.”
“The main house is fucking beautiful, but I’d be living in the guesthouse. It’s nearly as beautiful and private. I just…”
Burke gave me a nod and then whispered, “You’re worried about your broken heart getting more broken by falling for a guy that isn’t into men.”
“That would be the long and short of it, yes.”
“I understand, Kanan. It would take someone strong. Are you?”
I’d been very weak when I first arrived, staying mostly to myself until Joel pulled me out with him a few times to hang out with the animals. I’d heard of farm therapy and horse therapy, but I hadn’t thought it would be something that would work on me, but it had. The baby goats, the horses, even the pigs at Theo and Hud’s place, they drew me out of my depression and made me feel like getting up each day.
It hadn’t been all that long, two months, but I felt stronger by far than I had been. That wasn’t saying much, as I’d been nearly as low as I’d ever been in my life, but I was better.
“I think so. It’s why I didn’t jump on the job right away, though. I really would like your opinion, Damon’s too, and Joel’s.”
“Let me talk to Noah before I give mine. He knows the people around here the best, and sure, he had nice things to say about the mayor when all of it was just theory about him being interested in you romantically. That’s not how he is as an employer and someone that you’d want to live around.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
He made another observation that told me he saw me better than I thought. I figured I was hiding most of my thoughts and emotions, unwilling to be that guy who moped along because of a breakup.
“Kanan, there’s no shame in having a hard time trusting after what you’ve been through. That’s very normal. If Damon or Joel did it to me, I’d likely never fully trust anyone again, in bed, in my career, anywhere. You are okay, you know? It’s just gonna take time, and maybe some friends, and possibly a guy that deserves that trust to bring it back in you.”
“No guys. I’m not really interested.”
Burke chuckled and mentioned, “Kendrick has you interested. I saw it right off, and there’s no shame in that either, you know? He’s handsome and nice, but be careful. That’s all.”
“Careful of falling for a straight man while I’m on the rebound? I’ve been telling myself that from the second I met him.”
I was slapped gently on the knee and Burke granted me a sweet, warm smile. That part of trusting friends, well, that was already happening. The men I’d met along the way through the journey I was taking were crawling persistently into my trust. Not to mention, my heart.
I texted Kendrick to let him know I was taking the night to decide. That would give Burke plenty of time to get ahold of Noah, and it would also give me time to think.
I liked my life the way it was, sure. The diner was great, the people, the job. It didn’t pay enough to live on in the rather expensive small town, however, and the gig at Cowpokes was too infrequent to make up for that.
If I did a pro and con list, that would be a pro for the job at the Belish residence. Con? Well, it was scary how easily that came to me. Falling for the straight father of the kid I was life-coaching. What a great example that would make for Chandler.
I excused myself to head to the attic, falling face-first to the mattress after getting on my knees. Burying my face in the comforter, I felt it come over me like a dark wave of deep, throbbing pain in my chest. Each throb was his name, Jeffery, and each repetition of that name came with a memory. Lying in bed together, talking for hours about our future, hearing him saying he loved me the first time, and the last, only three days before he dropped the bomb on my life.
Seeing him talking about another man like I should be happy for him, that memory was the hardest. It was the culmination of all of it, the lies, the faux happiness, and it hurt the worst. He described the man, how pretty he was, how sweet and open to trying all the parts of the lifestyle that Jeffery loved.
I moved my head to the side, feeling the wetness on the comforter where my cheek now lay. Those tears told their own stories; every one of them weaved a tale of romance and then heartbreak.
Jeffery had been good to me for a time, then became rather selfish, but being in love the way I’d been, I took that in stride, being the understanding partner. When he’d started to pull away, I convinced myself it was work or life stressors. I suggested we see someone, asked if it was me, did all the things I thought I should, and said all the things I thought I should.
I wasn’t like Burke, Damon, Joel, or the others in town, Theo, Hud and their boyfriends. When I pictured a relationship, I pictured it, maybe wrongly, as two people being completely in love and living together, loving one another. I never cheated, never wanted to. I wanted to give everything to the man I loved.
Maybe that’s where I was naïve. I had no idea how my parents’ relationship, the one I based my wants around, worked. It was altogether possible they were swingers or had cheated on one another. I didn’t believe that, but it could have been true.
