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That makes me happy. “I don’t either. But I’ve dropped twenty-five pounds in the last eight months. Because of you. So... if you want these hips and ass back, you’re gonna have to do me a favor.”
Confused, he asks, “What’s that? Do you need a personal trainer? Because there are some exer—”
“Shut up.” I put my finger to his lips. “No, I don’t need a personal trainer. I need you... to stop. Fucking. Leaving me. I can’t eat or sleep or function when I think you hate me. When you disappear without an explanation. When I blame myself for you not being here. I can’t do... this”—I gesture around the apartment—“life without you. I’m miserable, Eric. Miserable.”
He stares at me. “I don’t hate you, and it’s massively upsetting to think that you thought I ever did. I honestly don’t hate anyone but myself. You’re beautiful, and perfect, and I don’t...” He blows out a breath, and I’m devastated to hear that he hates himself. “I don’t deserve you, Christa.”
A lump forms in my throat and I run my hand along his muscular leg, then slide it up his shorts without touching where I’m sure he wants me to, so I freeze at the top of his thigh. I decide I’m going to unload on him while I have him here, because judging by his history, who knows when I’ll have his audience again. “No, you don’t deserve me.” I start to cry and hate myself for it. “You broke myfuckingheart, Eric.” Tears form along my lashes as all the heartache and months of depressive sickness come crashing back. “But unfortunately for me, you still have it, as shattered as it is, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do but let you. To keep it. I can’t keep wanting you and being let down. I can’t let you make love to me so beautifully, like everything is okay, and then just leave me, broken. So you have to make a decision. You have to make a commitment to be with me, or let me go.”
He looks at me, the devastation and guilt I’ve seen so many times in his eyes, but this time, it’s for me and not his past sins and crimes. “I’m so sorry. All I want...” He blows out a breath and looks up at the ceiling. “Fuck. All I ever wanted was to protect you, shield you, save you from whatever might come to harm you.”
This warms my cold heart, and it starts beating a little faster now. “Look... I’m a big girl and can take care of myself. You know this. But you... I felt like you needed saving, but... so did I. Not from the same kind of things you’ve been through, but from loneliness. My heart would never open to anyone. So I waited. Then I met you, and the whole idea of love for a lifetime made sense because I’d metthe one. You, Eric.”
He presses his forehead against mine. “Listen to me,please. I need you to understand that I’m not good. I’m a self-recriminating asshole. The bad guy. You think I’m here to sweep you off your feet, and I tried. But, Christa. I’m not the hero. I’m the villain. It’s why I’ve kept you at arm’s length, but now I understand that this isn’t about keeping you away from me or all the bad things I’ve done. It’s about whatyouwant. If you want the world, I will bust my ass to give it to you. I’ll tear it down and rebuild it if I have to. You’re not someone I can let go of, and honestly? I’m not willing to. Not now. Not. Fucking. Ever.”
We lock eyes, and mine have tears leaking out and streaming down my cheeks. “You are not a villain, Eric. How could you think that?”
“Every day I was in Africa, I thought about you. I’m serious, Christa. Every day. I read your texts and you were right. I was an asshole and hoped you’d move on from me and be happy with a guy who wasn’t so tainted black, with a stained past that you shouldn’t have to deal with. When Mr. Stamp...” He stops, clearing his throat. “When he died, I basically just snapped. I don’t know if he shot himself or someone else did, but because of me, that little girl’s orphaned, and I just... I couldn’t deal with it. See, it doesn’t matter who pulled the trigger. Another life was ruined.”
I caress his face, running my fingers along his stubbly jaw. “His death was an accident, Eric.”
His eyes fly to mine and he gapes at me, alarmed. “What? How do you know?”
“I had Melinda pull the police records. He was cleaning his rifle. It was loaded and went off. He didn’t do it on purpose. The guy was just careless and obviously very... unlucky.”
“Damn,” he says, shaking his head. “That sucks, but his kid is still orphaned. Because if her mom was still around, she’d have her.”
I grab his face between my fingers, making him look at me. “Stop it, Eric. Stop it right now. I’m tired of hearing you talk like this. You can’t change the past, it’s done. She’s gone and isn’t coming back. You can only pray for the little girl, that she grows up to be strong and honors her parents’ memories.”
He nods. “I don’t know when the guilt is going to end.”
I wrap my arms around him. “Maybe you should talk to someone,” I suggest. “I can go with you if you want.”
Eric shakes his head. “I have been. I mean, Anne’s a court-ordered therapist, but I have talked, and it’s helped, but clearly, this is something I have to just live with, I guess.”
“It sounds like it, unfortunately. But I’m here for it—for you, so you know. I’m not going anywhere, as long as you stay by my side and support me too,” I tell him honestly.
He stares at me. “I’m not going anywhere, gorgeous. I promise. No more being stupid. You’ve proven you love me and are going to stand by my side, and it’s selfish of me to keep bolting every time I think you’re going to reject me or not want to be with me, or worse, realize you could do better than a convicted felon whose doctor license has been stripped. A man whose nightmares wake him. And for that, I’m really and truly sorry I hurt you. I hate that about me, so please tell me how I can make it up to youPlease, Christa.”
I kiss his nose. “I forgive you. And while I won’t apologize for being so angry, I do feel bad for not pursuing you more, for not staying on you and letting you know how much I needed you and would be here for you.”
He shakes his head. “It wouldn’t have mattered. I had to dig out of this hole my own way and on my own timeline, but I promise that I’m done wallowing. My life is for you now.”
I smile, tears in my eyes once again, and kiss him softly on his beautiful lips.
“God, I love you,” he whispers, fighting emotion, and my heart flutters while my stomach turns over with happiness.
“I love you, too. Eric. So damn much.”
