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Maybe a lot of people had trouble seeing what was real including her.
The Winter Solstice, which was in name only since it never grew cold in Glasswood, passed, and the New Year went by too. Rainier had started helping in the office bit by bit since things had piled up too much, and they hired a Master Steward to help.
Nearly a couple of months after the New Year, he decided to do something that should have been done a long time ago. The urge to do something productive had come on rather suddenly one morning. Felix said maybe it was because he finally had a little more energy, but he probably shouldn’t spend it all since he didn’t think heavy physical pursuits were a good idea.
Rainier said he wanted it done and over with. Addy would likely also say it was time, and he didn’t feel it was too strenuous.
“Why did she leave it like this?” Felix looked around Addy’s sitting room.
Rainier shrugged. Felix had been coaxing him into slowly increasing what he ate, but the bacon had been rather greasy that morning, and it was a bit heavy in his stomach. Heavy like the rest of him.
“She put Father’s things up shortly after he died, but maybe she felt regret for Addy that she won’t admit. We all know death is final, but I think putting away her daughter’s things made that finality worse in this case. Even though she pressured us, and her expectations are unrealistic, she didn’t want us to die either. I think it’s time to clean out these rooms. I think Addy would want us to move on, and she’d know it doesn’t mean we’re forgetting her.”
It would help him to forgive himself too.
Felix hugged him. “Do you want help?”
Rainier rubbed his back. “No, Kitten. This is something I want to do myself.”
The servants brought trunks, and once he was alone, he went into Addy’s bedroom. He could start with her clothes. He turned and realized her looking glass was by the privy door.
He hadn’t seen his body in one for what felt like forever since Felix had all of the others stored away. Rainier had definitely put on weight. In fact, he might have been the same as when Felix met him. Or pretty close. He thought about the bacon and the almond milk making him grow huge and round like the sketch of a puff fish he’d once seen.
It was tempting to take off his clothes. He could check his ribs and shoulder blades before looking at each spot where the fat had grown. Think about how Mum would disapprove. Point out each imperfection. Hate himself.
He turned away. Or he could not do that because lunch would be hard, and while he’d been eating most of the meals lately, he still sometimes left a few bites. Felix wouldn’t want him in here alone and agonizing over all of the bad stuff.
He met his gaze in the looking glass. Felix hadn’t seemed disgusted by his body last night when they’d sucked each other off. In fact, he’d had the same expression he’d worn months and months ago while tonguing each piercing and taking the length in his throat: like pleasing Rainier was his biggest joy in life.
They hadn’t done petplay lately, but the eagerness to touch and be touched was still there since Rainier had started getting back some of his libido. Felix hadn’t said so, but it was probably because he’d gained weight.
Addy wouldn’t want him picking at all of his bodily faults either. Maybe it was better that Felix had taken away the other looking glasses. Rainier needed to focus more on his health and how he felt physically, not give himself the critical eye every day.
He set to packing the trunks and making a pile of things that could be taken by the servants or tossed. Some of the things he’d hadn’t seen in years, and when he found her old dolly in a drawer, he decided that could go on the mantelpiece in their room.
Everything else would go away. Once the rooms were stripped, he sat on a trunk in the sitting room with the dolly next to him. Oddly, he felt lighter now, like he’d stripped off something that had been weighing him down, and he hadn’t fully noticed it before.
Never again would he come in here and sit on the bed while guilt ate him from the inside out.
Felix peeked in. “It’s nearly noon.”
“I figured. We need to eat lunch soon. How big do I look to you?”
Felix frowned. “Why?”
“Just be honest with me. Am I the same as when we met?”
Felix squinted at him. “Not quite. Soon, you will.”
Rainier took a deep breath. “After lunch, do you want to take a ride with me?”
“Erm, I don’t think you need that kind of exercise. I don’t want you to start losing weight. Why do you think I said it’s not a good idea if we actually fuck? A walk in the garden is one thing because some fresh air and some movement is good. When I suck your cock, you can lay there and enjoy it, but I don’t want you doing anything too vigorous and trying to lose weight in a new way.”
Addy had tried by running, so he could see where Felix was coming from. “I don’t get dizzy so easily, and the horse will be doing the main vigorous work. I’d like it if we could go to the sweet shop, and we’ll come right back. I want a honey swirl, and you can have whatever you like too.”
Felix stared at him for a second. “Really? You want a sweet?”
“Yeah. I haven’t had one in years.”
