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Not for the first time, Sutter wondered how much his mother knew aboutthat sort of thing. He’d only realized the truth of the family clubs four years ago, during his second summer internship. His imagination had been captured immediately. He’d been too young to explore the clubs himself.But one thing U.T. taught me? How to fucking research.He’d learned everything he could about kink, and then began, very carefully, exploring it with girls who seemed naturally submissive during dates.
He knew he still had to proceed carefully. He’d read enough to know that his particular kink was still looked down on, even within the lifestyle itself. But he was a legal adult now. He had his degrees. He’d had access to his trust fund for six months and was using it to take slow steps toward independence, like buying his own apartment in New York. He could earn his own way, even without the family business, if he had to. No one, not even his mother, could tell him how he got to love.
Or whom, he thought.
“Good night, Mom.” He took her hand for another kiss and excused himself to rejoin his Little.
Chapter 11
As Saoirse waited for Sutter, she couldn’t stop shaking.
She wiped her damp palms on her pajama pants for the hundredth time and saw the tremble in her fingers.
Shaking during a scene was one thing; she’d learned to expect the adrenaline and endorphin rush. But an hour after a scene? That wasn’t normal.
She climbed off Sutter’s bed, found her toiletries bag in the bathroom, and took a dose of the secondary medication for when she felt at risk of a seizure. She watched the bathroom’s overhead light until the rosy ring caused by her spiking blood pressure faded. Then she grabbed a bottled water out of the room’s box refrigerator and took it to the window. August days in England were long and the sky over the club’s landscaped grounds was still a deep blue even though it was close to eleven. Saoirse looked out over the rose beds, their deep hues still visible in the twilight as she sipped her water and tried to collect herself.
I didn’t have a seizure, she told herself reassuringly. She knew the symptoms well and she trusted the medicine.And I have no reason to be nervous. He’s the virgin.
But to be trusted with someone’s virginity? To be asked to guide them through their first time having sex? Suddenly it felt like a burden.
The boy who took my virginity certainly didn’t feel that way, she reminded herself. It had been an unmemorable experience in the back of his car after a swim meet where they both won their events. The thrill of victory was far better than the actual sex, which was quick, surprisingly messy, and embarrassing.Longer lasting, too, she thought grimly. She’d mopped up his back seat with her spare team shirt and then had to explain to her mother that she needed another shirt when she couldn’t get the bloodstains out. She remembered her mother’s scolding more than she remembered the event itself.
Sutter’s first time shouldn’t be anything like mine.
And that’s where the pressure came from. She wanted his first time to be perfect. Something he remembered as a high point for the rest of his life. How many times had she been trusted with an experience someone should remember forever?
Saoirse finished the water and put the bottle in the room’s little blue recycling bin before returning to perch on the bed. Despite her tension, she never really considered telling Sutter no. It wasn’t just an honor. It was something she wanted, too. Something she was starting to ache for. Intimacy with a man she cared about too much for such a short acquaintance.
I want to do this for my Daddy, she thought.I want his first time to be with someone who cares enough about him to be this nervous.
She wiped her palms on her knees again.What made my first time so meh?It wasn’t particularly painful, not much more than a quick, internal pinch. She assumed that between gymnastics as a kid and swimming, she didn’t have much hymen left. It was more the lack of familiarity with his body. The unexpected fluids. The quick separation after the too-intense connection of his orgasm.
Slow, she thought.Let him explore and experience everything a little bit at a time. Towels and wipes so he doesn’t get distracted by the messiness. And lots of touching before and after so he doesn’t feel abandoned after he comes.
She slipped into the bathroom and gathered supplies. She stacked them by the bed so she’d be ready when the time came. Once she had the room arranged to her satisfaction, a little of her nerves eased. She was used to preparing for big events and the routine of preparation calmed her. It also helped her think through her feelings about Sutter.
She knew she was too attached to him already. The pang she felt from his family’s cold reception warned her that her heart was fully engaged. She was an experienced enough submissive to know that the emotions arising from the act of submission could be easily conflated with infatuation. But what she felt for him was different from the thrill of a great scene. It was an attachment to Sutter himself, rather than what he could do for her. As much as she wanted his first time to be wonderful, she was invested in his happiness and success.
I want the best for my Daddy, she thought, a thought that settled her further. Her Little’s conviction that she should care for and support her Daddy as fiercely as he cared for and supported her, brushed away the last of her jitters.
When Sutter returned, she greeted him with a wide and genuine smile which he returned, holding out his arms. She ran into them and burrowed into his warm, wide chest. He tossed his suit jacket on the bed and closed his arms tightly around her, giving her that sense again of being cradled in his body.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
“Mom being Mom. She wants to micromanage my move to New York.” He pulled Saoirse closer and fluttered his eyelashes against her cheek in a soft butterfly kiss. “I resisted micromanagement.”
Saoirse grinned, having a micromanaging mother of her own. “When do you go?”
His hand slid up her back to cup her cheek and tip her face up to his. “End of the week. I’ve got meetings scheduled starting next Monday. I know your home is the Ranch, Saoirse, but I want to keep seeing you—”
When she started shaking her head, his face fell.
“No, no,” she quickly explained. “I’m finishing up my time at the Ranch. I mean, I think I am. I was only covering a staff maternity leave. My contract ends September tenth. I haven’t figured out where I’m going next, but I actually have an offer to go back to New York City.” Her eyes searched his anxiously. “Maybe that’s too much proximity? Maybe you want to settle in without any distractions—”
He kissed the words off her lips. “Saves me the trouble of stuffing you into my suitcase to steal you away to New York.” Her chuckle met his in a sweet buzz of skin and teeth. “The only thing I’ve been worried about this weekend was how often I could see you when I was in New York and you were in Montana. I’ve been Googling advice on long-distance relationships for days.”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry you wasted your time.”
