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“He shoulda been here, bean. Not that it wasn’t good or everything I’ve dreamed of. Just ... he shoulda been here.”
“I know,” I say, soothingly.
Chapter10
Red Rage Falling Down, Falling Down All Over Me
“That why you didn’t want to come again?” Charlie asks. “Cause he shoulda been here to finish you off like we planned?”
I sigh and nuzzle into his neck. “No, I wasn’t thinking of him. I’m just done, Charlie. It’s been a long coupla days and I’m so happy to be back with you. I’m so relieved, you know. But it’s a lot.” My sinuses and eyes fill unexpectedly. I sniff to keep anything from spilling. “It’s just a lot.”
Charlie cups my cheek. “I know it is. It’s a lot for me, too. I shouldn’t have pushed—”
The last thing I want is him feeling bad for finally getting what he’s wanted for so long. “No, Chaz, no. I wanted it, too. The waiting was getting to be too much. And if these days apart have taught me anything, it’s not to wait. I’ve been to the fucking future and I still have no idea what tomorrow holds. No more waiting. I’m living each day to the fullest.”
Charlie kisses my temple. He swallows hard, and makes a strange, wet noise.
I push up onto my elbow so I can see his face. “Charlie?”
He puts his arm over his eyes. “It’s okay.”
It’s not. “Chaz, what’s wrong?”
“He shoulda been here. I’m no good with this shite. I don’t know what I’m doing. He was gonna walk me through it. He was gonna make sure I did it right—”
“Charlie, you didn’t do a damn thing wrong. Sex isn’t always about coming. I wanted to give that to you. It felt good. A little weird, but good. I definitely want to do it again.”
Charlie shakes his head, holding a hand across his eyes. “He’d have made sure you came. We had it planned out.”
I pull his hand away. “Look at me. He’s not here. We are. That’s his choice. I came back toyou. I’m withyou. I wanted everything we did tonight. I’ve wanted it for a long time. I wantyou, Charlie Miller.”
He dashes tears away with his fingertips, but more leak down his temples. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. This is a lot for both of us.”
He takes a shaky breath. “I just wanted it to be perfect. I built it up in my head, you know? We talked about it so much. How it was going to go. I feel like, if I’d waited, it would have been better for you. I wouldn’t have let you down.”
“You didnotlet me down. Not in any way. I’m a big girl and I know how to ask for an orgasm if I want one. I didn’t want one. I wanted to be close to you. Iwantto be close to you.”
He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me down onto his chest. “I want to be close to you, too, bean. I love you. I want you to love every single minute of bein’ with me.”
“Idolove every single minute of being with you.” I kiss him before settling against his side. “We’re okay, yeah?”
“We’re okay.” He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “I meant everything I said, Teddy. It weren’t just pillow-talk. None of it.”
“I know you don’t say shite you don’t mean. You’re my lad, Charlie. I shoulda staked a claim a long time ago. When you were makin’ the rounds with the crew, I shoulda realized our friendship could survive anything. I’m sorry I was such a coward.”
Charlie chuckles against my temple. “You’re not a coward. Or if you was, we both were. And whaddo you mean, making the rounds with the crew?”
“Nowt.” I shrug against him and tuck under his arm. “Something stupid Elliot said a while back, about you dating all the girls in the crew—”
“Jealous fuck, I did not. I took Rose and Saff out a few times. Rose let me kiss her. Then she dumped me when I spent the night having aStranger Thingsmarathon with you instead of taking her down Deansgate like she wanted. I wasn’t even fussed, which should tell you everythin’ you need to know.”
If I had any lingering hurt about future-Charlie choosing Rose, that smooths it away.
“I won’t say we were always headed here, Chaz, because I might not have made the leap on my own. But everything about this feels right.”
Charlie swallows loudly. “Everything but Gabe not being here.”
