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I close my eyes and allow the music to fill my veins as my thoughts start to wander to places I don't want them too. The memories, the emotions, the messiness that reigned over the past week... Everything hits me at once, and I feel like I'm about to explode. I'm failing miserably at drowning them with alcohol.
“C'mon, Bree, let it out.” Ash's voice drags me back to reality.
I shake my head, avoiding the conversation as long as I can. I'm an excellent listener, an average advisor, but a terrible speaker. I prefer to lock it all in before I let everyone know what's going on in my head. It's a lousy coping mechanism, and I know that it's only going to hurt me in the future, but that's the only way that I handle my feelings; I postpone them.
“That's not happening,” I mutter under my breath.
“Chica, por favor.Let it out. Cora's gone, so she can't scold you for whatever you need to talk about,” Karma says. “How do you feel about it?”
I roll my eyes, clenching my teeth.
“You need to be more specific than that,” I reply.
“The John thing, Stanley, the test... Everything?” Ash mentions.
Inhaling deeply, I do my best at collecting my feelings. I need to find a way of letting it all out without sounding bitter or desperate. I'm neutralizing my emotions before I talk about them.
“I'm done thinking and talking about the failure of the test,” I comment with honesty. “Stanley? He's not even part of the picture now that the test is out of the conversation. He's douchey and egocentric. We've been through that already.” I pause, passing the tip of my tongue over my bottom lip, pulling it into my mouth. “The John thing," I snort. “That's a complicated topic.”
“Why?” Ash presses the subject, focused on squeezing the words out of me.
“Because he's complicated. I don't think I like him, but the way that he spoke to me? You should've heard him. It was like I was less than him.”
“Then forget about him.”
Karma's suggestion only fuels my frustration.
If it were that simple, no one would rot in a pit of deception. No one would cry over a broken heart. However, I'm not heartbroken. I'm... in a limbo. There's not a way of naming it. I can't like someone that I don't know. That's not how it works. I can feel attracted to someone, I can yearn for physical things, but I can't get my heart shattered. It doesn't work that way.
“Gee, thanks for the tip.”
Ash sighs. “Bree, what do you truly want? Forget him or make him notice you?”
I swallow at the latter option because I never considered it to be a solid choice. I don't want John to become a permanent or a real thing in my life. He's a crush, someone platonic that I'm going to get over soon. But then again, I've had the hots for this guy for over a year.
Even when I'm closed to the idea of having real relationships, I’m sure about that part. I don't want a relationship. I don't like the pain or the responsibility that comes with that tag. I want to havefun.
However, I don't want to fuck anyone that thinks that I'm lesser than them.
Fuck John Carter.
“I'd rather die than to talk to him ever again,” I respond with a scowl.
I won't get that low ever again. I'm always first in my list of priorities, and that's not going to change because I'm horny for one guy that smells like heartache and bad decisions, not even when I'm a sucker for those guys.
For once in my life, I'm choosing to do the right thing.
“You don't have to talk to him being you.” Karma breaks the silence.
I lift my torso, leaning on my elbows to stare at her. Karma's taking a swing from the bottle of vodka.
“Right, let me just change my identity and get plastic surgery. Why didn't I think of that?” Pure sarcasm drips from my words.
“You don't have to do that,mujer. Just create a fake account,” she explains, and I wait for her to laugh and tell me that it's a joke, but that doesn't happen.
She remains silent.
“Wait, are you serious?” Ash yells out, sitting straight on the couch, taking the words right out of my mouth.
