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“C’mon, you probably had help.”
Sometimes I forget that Bree has a weird and distorted image of me inside her head. I’ve tried to demolish it with my acts, but I can see that she hasn’t gotten over it completely. One day she will realize that I’m not the kind of guy that she has in her mind.
“Contrary to what you think, I don’t have sex with everyone that has a vagina.”
She arches a brow, curiosity impregnated on her face.
“Are you a virgin?”
Only Bree would ask that.
“Of course not. I just don’t fuck around as much as you think.”
“Mmm…”
“What?” I ask, knowing that she’s restraining her words.
“Nothing. I was thinking that I had a really bad introduction to sex. I was in high school when I lost my V-card and I liked the guy. Not enough to introduce him to my parents, but enough to have sex with him. Can you believe that the douche decided to putI want it that wayfrom the Backstreet Boyson repeatas he put his panini inside me?”
I explode in a loud and hysterical laugh because the situation is hilarious. My shoulders shake with my laughter. I can feel my lungs screaming for air, but I can’t seem to control myself.
“Oh, my God!”
“I know. It was terrible,” she says as she wrinkles her nose, being completely mortified. “Definitely something worth telling, huh?”
“You make my sexual debut a cliché.”
Bree squints at me.
“Oh, no, no. You can’t just say that and stay quiet,” she presses, hitting my ribs. I groan in pain. “Stan, c’mon. The odds that I will remember this tomorrow are slim.”
Fuck it.
It’s not like she didn’t tell me her embarrassing details.
“It was under the bleachers in the lacrosse field of my school. We were caught by a security guard.” I pause. That’s not the punchline. “He was the girl’s father.”
Bree chokes.
“How are you still alive?”
I shrug.
“I don’t even know. The guy had a fucking taser and almost used it on me,” I reply, shaking my head. A shiver runs up my spine when I remember it.
“What happened after?”
“He called my mom.” Bree gasps. “The good thing is that my mom is open-minded, so she didn’t really react badly. She did give me an extended sex talk and told me to stop fucking around in public places and to always wear a condom.”
Thank God that my mom is the way she is. I don’t want to imagine what would’ve happened if I was the son of a religious woman. I used to have a friend that was the son of the pastor of a church and was grounded for months after he forgot to delete his web history and his parents found a lot of porn sites there.
“Your mom sounds cool,” Bree says. “My mom is great, but I think that I would die if she found out about my sexual life. In her eyes, I’m a nun.”
Yeah, Bree is the opposite of a nun. I don’t think her mom is that blind, she’s just letting her believe that.
“Believe me. The last thing I wanted was my mom finding out that I got caught having sex,” I assure her.
She sighs.
