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“Zoe,” I chide her. “Really?”
“That’s not a denial, Mom. And what about the wine club? You promised you’d be visiting them once a month.”
“Just like you, they’ll be fine.”
Zoe stands, rising with her voice. “You always say things will be fine, but maybe that’s not good enough. Have you even talked to Chris? Or Aunt Jade or Tessa or Emma? How do they feel about you leaving?”
I keep my voice calm. Zoe and I haven’t fought like this in years. “I haven’t told them yet, but I will. I booked a flight for Friday, so I’m going to go back to Baden-Baden and get my things. This is done, Zoe.”
Her face screws up in anger. “You always play it safe, Mom. You’re never willing to risk it when things really matter.”
Zoe slumps into her seat, glaring at me, and I try to keep the stab of pain from showing on my face.
I’mon the train to Baden-Baden during Jade’s lunch break and our usual call time, so I use that opportunity to tell my friends face-to-digital-face that I’m leaving. Tessa and Jade are both at their desks eating, and Emma’s in her kitchen making a sandwich.
“Hello, are y’all there?” Everyone’s frozen, so I wonder if I’ve lost connection, but then Jade snaps into motion on the screen.
“You’re going back to Texas? Why?” she asks.
“I need to get back to my real life. It’s just not working out here, and I want to give Zoe some space.”
“Is this because she got high?” Jade asks.
“Wait, what?” Tessa interrupts.
“How did you know?” I demand.
Zoe had texted Jade and given her a version of the story, which Jade tells, and then I tell mine.
“You can’t be leaving just because Zoe had a bad trip,” Emma says. “You know she’s a good kid, and it’s not a bad thing that she did. It was scary, sure, but she’s okay.”
“It’s not just that,” I begin. I can tell my friends all the things I couldn’t tell Zoe. “Watching Chris with his band is like an alternate universe. It’s a different version of him, and I don’t fit there. I’m a mom, I’m too uptight, I’m too boring. We’ve been in a bubble out at his house, and that bubble is going to pop. I can’t stand by and watch someone I care about live that kind of life.”
“You could come stay with one of us,” Emma offers.
“Yeah,” Jade chimes in. “I’ve got my second bedroom. And I’m at work all day.”
“I’ve got a second bedroom too. And I’m visiting Luc a lot anyway,” Tessa says.
“Or you could stay with me!” Emma offers.
We all squint at her. “You don’t have a spare bedroom,” I say.
“No, but I have a queen-sized bed—or whatever the European equivalent is, and I’d share it for you.”
“You could take turns staying with each of us,” Jade says. “We could pass you around like those traveling pants—Sisterhood of the Broken-Hearted Best Friend.”
I gaze out the window of the train. The German countryside is passing by, mountains and beautiful forests and cute little villages.
“I just want to go home.”
My friends let it go. There’s nothing else they can say. They love me enough to know that I can’t be here anymore.
34
Chris
Energizedfrom my time with the band, I work twice as hard when I return to Baden-Baden. Without Sara here, I end up grocery shopping and attempting to cook that curry again, and this time I don’t fuck it up too badly.
