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“Mhmm,” I say loudly with an unimpressed huff, dropping into my seat and crossing my arms over my chest.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Six’s eyes first widen and then heat the side of my face. At the same time, his gaze snaps back up to meet mine.
They slither down my body before coming up to my face where they narrow.
“Sounds like you need a cough drop for that tickle in your throat,” he says, unaffectedly. But I see the tundra in his eyes freeze over, his words coming out on a knife's edge. “I suggest you go get one. Now.”
I feel every head in the lecture hall turn to look at me. Embarrassment burns in my veins and blurs my vision. I can’t believe he’s doing this to me and singling me out in this way.
I walk down the stairs with measured steps and a ramrod straight back, refusing to reveal the extent of my mortification. I’m halfway to the door when he calls after me.
“And…Nera, was it?” I turn to face him, my humiliation complete. “Don’t come back. Use the time to think about whether you want to succeed in my class or not.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Six’s mouth drop open in shock. I’d find it comical if I wasn’t on the verge of losing my shit.
For the first time in my life, I’m thrown out of class.
I’m starting to think Six was wrong.
It’s going to be a fucking cursedyear.
???
I turn to food for comfort and scarf down a giant burrito from the cafeteria, eating every last bite even when I’m so full to bursting that I’m in physical pain.
My stomach is distended but I keep eating, hoping it’ll fill the emptiness inside and make me forget what just happened.
But all it does is give the voice in my head a reason to berate me, its punishing tone getting louder and louder with every minute the burrito stays in my stomach, until I’m running to the bathroom, clutching the toilet with shaking hands and throwing it all up.
I’m out of the bathroom as quickly as I ran in, afraid that my friends will wonder where I’ve gone and come looking for me.
Six gives me a long hug, apologizing for Tristan’s behavior like she had anything to do with it.
“I can’t believe he singled you out like that,” she says with an angry huff.
I can’t either. It's the very definition of adding insult to injury.
“Don’t worry about it,” I tell her, playing it off. “I’ll just sit all the way at the back next time so he can’t hear me breathe.”
“I’ll sit with you, obviously,” she answers, putting her arm in mine as we walk to our next class.
What I need after a morning like this is a workout. My veins buzz with unspent, frenetic energy and I feel on the verge of crawling out of my skin for the rest of the day until I make it to the training facility.
I change into a gray tank top and my fencing pants, leaving the straps hanging at my waist instead of pulling them over my shoulders, and march out into the workout area.
I enter that hyper focused, competitive zone in my mind where the world around me falls away and I use it to focus on my training. I move up and down the piste, practicing a sequence of parries and ripostes against an invisible opponent.
Over and over again, I go, until sweat dots my forehead and my lungs burn. I focus on my footwork, on moving correctly with good balance, on extending my lunges and then retracting back into my form.
Glove game drill. Repetition based drill. Technical training. Three bouts. Ten laps around the facility. I do it all. I overwhelm my brain with physical effort and exhaustion until I can think of nothing else.
I’m barely conscious of the rest of the athletes leaving and heading home. They leave me alone. They know not to bother me when I get like this. Even Coach Krav slips out without a word. He doesn’t need to inflict a torturous workout when I’m already doing such a good job of punishing myself.
I put in my headphones and listen to music as I move over to the dummy to practice my sword skill and hand dexterity. There’s something about listening to Megan Thee Stallion while skewering a dummy that makes me feel fucking powerful.
I start shaking my hips and then my body as I feel the beat move through me. My ponytail brushes against my back as I dance.
I tilt my head back and take a breath, feeling my shoulders loosen as I enjoy the effortless movement.
