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I’ve exposed a sliver of vulnerability and now that it’s out, I desperately want to take it back. To claw the words away from him and keep them to myself where I know I can control them.
“Has he ever hurt you before?” Tristan asks, and I’m surprised by the hoarseness of his voice.
His arms are wrapped around his torso, his face otherwise completely blank. I would say he was unaffected by my revelation if it wasn’t for the sound of his voice and the way he holds his body, like he’s physically restraining himself.
“No.”
“Since?”
I’d tried to tell my mum about it, had mentioned he’d been a little rough. She told me that sometimes he gets carried away with his affections, but he only does it because he loves me.
They sounded like words he might have said to her in apology in a very similar scenario. She repeated them to me with the rote delivery of someone who’d heard them more than once.
I’d felt the layers of ice thicken around my heart.
She couldn’t very well save me if she couldn’t even save herself.
The paralyzing fear I felt feeling his hand close around my neck and squeezing the air out of my throat had been very real. He hadn’t gone far enough to bruise — we were in public and on national television after all — but he exerted all the power he’d needed to.
In an instant, I’d understood just how easily he could hurt me if he wanted to.
“No.” I shake my head. “But you can understand why I’m in no rush to give him another reason to deem me a failure.” I can’t summon enough energy to make it sound like the joke it was intended to be.
I’m drained by the anxiety of the last twenty-four hours. By the stress and nonstop performance of the past week when he was in town. By the constant worry of the past six months.
By a lifetime of pursuing perfection.
I got out unscathed from this last visit and I’m not keen to have him back for another.
Tristan nods, staring at me with an indecipherable look. I’d give anything to have the keys to his mind right now to see what he’s really thinking.
Whatever it is, I will not be made to feel small for having revealed a section of my metaphorical golden prison to him. He demanded it from me and I won’t be ashamed of it.
After a moment that stretches for an almost unbearable amount of time, he looks away first. I exhale with a tiny gasp when he turns his body away, like a physical string connecting us is severed.
I watch him reach for a pen. Next, he grabs the paper from my hands and places it back on the desk with athumpof his palm. He adds a one in front of the nine at the top of the sheet, turning it into a near perfect grade. I know it’s the highest that was given out on this paper.
He hands it silently back to me. My heartbeat flutters and the bands of stress wrapped around my stomach ease up marginally.
The instant relief is enormous.
My fingers close around it and I pull, but he doesn’t release it. My gaze meets his, finding his eyes already fixed on me.
“Failure is a part oflife. You can’t get better without it. It’s not something to be afraid of and it’s certainly not something to ever be punished for.” He releases the paper and I clasp it to my chest with both arms, keeping my eyes on him. His gaze deadens and a mean tick in his jaw starts pulsing ominously. “And if anyone ever puts their hands on you again, you use the number I gave you and you call me.”
He takes a step towards me, taking advantage of the fact that I’m still reeling from his words to crowd me. He towers over me and dips his head until he’s inches from my mouth.
My heartbeat is loud in the silence and I’m sure he can hear it. I’m sure it’s echoing against the walls of the classroom.
“And I do want you, jailbait.” His gaze drops to my lips, his eyes darkening with lust. “I just can’t let myself have you.” He dips his head even lower and his mouth is so close to mine that I stop breathing altogether. I remember how I grabbed his face and brought his lips down on mine before. “If I could, I’d steal all of your secrets one by one until there was nothing left for you to hide from me.”
He taps my nose with the tip of his finger and lingers for a breath, an erotic smile pulling at his lips.
Then I blink and he’s gone, taking the only warmth I’ve felt in weeks with him.
???
Chapter 16
