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“No, this is new.”
She beams. “I see. Mr. Harris, how old are you and have they checked your sperm count already?”
“I’m not—”
“He’s thirty-four,” I interrupt, taking advantage of this little interrogation to make him squirm or leave. “But… things don’t work well with him, if you know what I mean,” I mumble.
Oh, he’s going to pay.
“What are your symptoms?” She’s super professional about this. Damn, I have to make it more uncomfortable for him.
“Are you having trouble getting an erection, or is it keeping it?” she asks, taking out a notebook and grabbing a pen. “How is your sexual desire?”
“I don’t have any. This isn’t—”
“Well, he doesn’t like to talk about his… problem,” I continue.
“I can assure you, we’ve heard everything.” She beams with pride. “We can find the issue and work to fix it.”
“Dr. Gonzalez, no offense but I bet you haven’t encountered a problem like ours,” he states and gives me a gentle squeeze.
“It’s okay to be shy about your sex life. Infertility happens to everyone. But in this clinic, we have a solution for it,” she continues. Nothing Landon tells her is going to stop her goal—getting us a baby. “Once we find the root of your problem, we’ll establish a routine. Maybe you guys are too stressed out about having this baby. It happens. Whatever your problem is, we can solve it.”
“Maybe you’re right,” he says, tossing his mischievous smirk at me. “What kind of routine do you recommend? Sex therapy?”
What is he trying to do?
He sets the cup on the desk. “I know I’m not the problem. I have a daughter, maybe we haven’t tried hard enough.”
She takes my hand and gently says, “Have you tried to relax, dear? I think you two need to talk about this and agree on how you’re going to proceed.”
Dr. Gonzalez stands up and goes to her cabinet.
“There’s a lot of myths out there, for example, Mr. Harris do you masturbate?”
“Do you, Landon?” I look at him with interest. “Because you might run out of sperm before I can use it.”
She chuckles. “Don’t be silly. Actually, if you don’t do it, start doing it often. The way your body produces the sperm is based on demand.”
“You can help him,” she says. And I swear I can’t understand how she can keep a straight face when she says, “Masturbation is a healthy activity, and when done with a partner, it helps you grow as a couple.”
“Shouldn’t you be taking notes, Lee?” Landon winks at me. “The sooner we start, the faster we can come to a happy ending.”
“How are your drinking habits?” she continues ignoring my annoying friend. “I recommend that you limit your intake to no more than two servings a day.”
“I need you to stop smoking, using steroids, get tested for STDs, and don’t wear skinny jeans.” She hands him a couple of booklets.
“Here’s the complete list of recommendations for the two of you. You should see a marriage counselor too. Therapy works wonders when you’re too stressed out about having a kid.” Dr. Gonzalez looks at me with a straight face and says, “Sex therapy is a great idea.”
“Look at this, honey.” He shows me the illustration of a couple having intercourse. “The Kamasutra, fifteen positions to get pregnant. Hmm. I never thought about this, doggy style. We could do it in the kitchen.”
My cheeks heat up when I think about us having sex in my kitchen. But I stop because he’s just taunting me.
“Landon,” I warn him.
“The Anvil position,” he continues. “I’m glad you do yoga. With your elasticity, we can get very creative.”
“It seems like there are things you two haven’t tried yet,” Dr. Gonzalez continues. “Sex can be fun. It’s not just about having a set schedule.”
